Amazing how fast vacation bliss wears off once one is back in reality. As I sat on the train the other day, listening to yet another moronic conversation, I couldn’t help but feel like I was stuck in a version of the movie Groundhog Day:
Annoying commuter #1 (girl donning rock the size of Jupiter on finger): So, how's your new house? What have you done so far?
Annoying Commuter#2 (socially awkward guy who most likely works in IT): Nothing yet. But I have a plan. Electronics first. Then furniture. Rugs will be last.
AC #1: What about Curtains?
AC #2: Curtains will be last.
AC #1: What about art and stuff for your walls?
AC #2: Art will be last.
What?! So I closed my eyes and let the rocking of the train lull me back to the rocking of the ship I was recently on, sailing towards sun, crystal blue waters and cotton candy sand. I picture myself lounging on the coveted lounge chairs, a cool drink in hand. I'm already feeling better when another annoying commuter interrupts. But it's NOT the train commuter–oh no, it's a species far worse and more bewildering. The Cruise Collector.
“How many have you been on?” someone barks in my ear.
I adjust my sunglasses and open my eyes to the dizzying sun. “Excuse me?”
“This is my 15th. This boat has nothing on Princess. And Norwegian is much bigger. I mean, where are all the pools?”
I decide not to tell the collector that this was, in fact, my first. Instead I excuse myself to dip into the hot tub, in other words, the cesspool of human germs.
It doesn't stop here. On the beach in Bermuda, where one goes to escape the other passengers, three women frolick in the sand like a couple of sea lions, mysteriously rubbing sand up and down their legs with fervor.
“What are you guys doing?” My stepmother asks them.
“We’re giving ourselves a spa treatment,” one says in a thick Jersey accent. “Cheapa than on the boat.” We nod, trying not to cringe, while the other demands: “Which are you on?”
“Holland,” we reply.
“Oh, I went on that last year. Too small. The best is Royal, but Princess isn’t bad either. This is our 10th.”
And so it goes. At dinner:
“How many has it been?” (The Cruise Collector never has to define “it.”)
“Um…my first?”
An embarrassed glance as if I'd just admitted to being the 40-year-old cruise virgin. “Oh really? We've been 'cruising' for years." (The Cruise Collector uses 'cruising' as if it's an activity such as running or hiking, when in fact, it's really just 'slothing.') "This is our 25th. Not so much food on this one. On Royal (the cruise collector never has to give the full name of the ship) you could ask for TWO entrees. Here they only let you have one.”
Glancing around at the predominately obese passengers, it’s no surprise to me that most are here for one thing: the abundant food.
“One entree is usually good enough for me!” I say cheerfully.
At the disco:
"Have you 'done' Carnival? It's much more lively."
By the end of the week, I had classified the collectors into the following categories:
The Food Collector: racks up multiple cruises for one thing only: eatfest. These collectors not only gorge on the breakfast and lunch buffets and three-course dinners, but attend the midnight buffet and hoard food in their room.
The Cheap Collector: likes to "cruise" because the price of a cruise is cheaper than getting a hotel and buying meals separately.
The Fearful Flyer Collector: Or, me. Those who want to travel but are at risk of getting stun-gunned by an air marshall as they run down the airplane aisle screaming 'we're all gonna die!'
The 'I Have a Boring Marriage' Collector: These couples spend the entire trip separately whether it be in the pool or at the casino, and are the ones most likely to lean into your personal space and say "So, how many?"
The Priveleged Collector: Thinks cruises are a luxury (when in reality they're kind of cheesy) and has no problem shouting at the already stressed waiter "Put me some more mustard, would ya?" or "Get this wine OUT of my face, it's terrible!"
The Geriatric Collector: My personal favorite, and omnipresent on my ship, these golden oldies throw all shame to the wind, boogie on the dance floor like tweens and are probably poppin Viagra more than Dramamine.
By the end of the week, if one more person asked about my sad collection, I was going to say "It's my 500th! The last one I took was Apollo. You haven't heard of it? I mean, how often do you cruise? It goes to the moon!"
But, we all need to start somewhere. Next year, I'll be able to say I'm on my second cruise. In time, I too will become a collector. In fact, one day you may find yourself on a cruise (Royal, of course). I will sit down next to you at the pool, staring probingly while you pretend to read. But the intensity of my gaze will be too much. You will make eye contact. And when you do, I will pounce, and say:
"So, how many has it been?"
*Dedicated to my father, who has been waiting with bated breath for this post.
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I heard the same question on my last cruise, my SECOND, and what it comes down to is this..it's an "ice breaker", a subject that everybody on the boat has in common, since we are all on a cruise...and more or less trapped. But as usual, I love your slant on things!
ReplyDeleteForget "ice breaker" Mom - cruise collection is an illness.
ReplyDeleteLove it, Amy!
Ha, "Cruisers." I wonder how many people named Tom(or Penelope for that matter(heck even José)) that make the joke 'I guess you can say I'm a... Tom Cruise-r.' I know I would. All the time. Too bad there aren't any relevant Eric Cruise's out there(or are there??). I doubt I'll ever become a full fledged Cruiser, but I must admit that I did enjoy my first one. Is there a Cruiser term for first one? I'm sure there is. Now, yes cruises have some downsides(all the people on the boat), but for what you're paying, it's worth every penny. That Filipino staff treated me to nothing but pure southern hospitality. They type of hospitality that only people from southern Philippines would know. They were friendly, jovial, called you by your last name. They make your bed. They read to you BEFORE you go to bed. They really go above and beyond. The food is to DIE FOR. Literally. A few people even died on my cruise. The nightlife is fan-tastic. If you like shaking your rump to the pops hits of…oh I don’t know, EVERY DECADE, then you will love cruise DJs. They spin so many records it practically causes a whirlpool in the surrounding seas. The shows? Magical. All the top Broadway stars moonlight Cruises on their off seasons. I'm not sure when I'll go on a cruise again, but if I do, I'll be sure to share all my first time cruise stories for all the curious passengers who ask me.. "So...how many?" I mean I figure the quicker I tell them, the quicker they shut the hell up and leave me alone. Ammirite?
ReplyDeleteIt's about time. Now I can move on and find something else to complain about. Love Dad
ReplyDeleteyou are a "obsesiva compulsiva", always classifying people, and it's obvious that you can't use public transport of any kind...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I know which kind of cruise collector you'll become, and no, it's not the fearful flyer...
Jeesh.. I better start crackin'. I've NEVER cruised. How embarrassing to have to admit it's 'Primera vez' when you're cincuenta.
ReplyDeleteI have just imagined you running down the aisle screaming :-D
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I have never cruised. I'm not sure I'd like to try it, unless I become a 'Fearful Flier Collector'. But if anybody manages to get me in one of those boats for a week, you'd better not be the person that asks me 'How many has it been?'
Unless you are hot.
Amy! You're back! Huzzah! My dad and stepmother are HUGE cruisers, and in fact have another coming up next month. I must ask how many it is for them. I think they fall somewhere between the Priveleged and the Geriatric cruisers. I know one of my dad's passions is the all-you-can-eat buffet, and upon his return from anywhere we get more details of his meals than, say, the local people or cultures. My stepmother must send wine back, as I've seen her do it in restaurants ("Please don't substitute this as I'm allergic to ...."). I've so far not had the pleasure of a cruise, as neither my dad nor yours has so far invited me. I do, however, dream of one day being invited to sit at the captain's table. You might have to invent a new category for me, though. The sleeping-her-way-to-the-captain's-table cruiser?
ReplyDeleteYoung Amulet,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your cruise ship travel diary!! I never went on a cruise since Michele pukes at even the mention of going on a cruise. Good job!!