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| Photo by blmurch, via Flickr |
The day in question started off good enough. I was on the way uptown to babysit for my BFF. Since I had serious arse ache from sitting too long at work, I decided to walk several blocks to the East Side and catch the 6 train uptown. A coworker mentioned that if I just walked a few blocks more, I could catch an express bus that shot right uptown with only a few stops. She gave me specific directions and explained that a separate machine was used to purchase the ticket for the bus.
I was already happy just to find the bus and the machines, since I don’t have the best internal GPS. But then I was overcome with feelings of “all is well with the universe” when an attractive man in a suit offered me his ticket when he saw me fumbling with the machine. I was clearly not “in the express bus know,” and he took pity on me. I grasped the ticket and smiled, excited for the free bus ride. But boy, did I end up paying for it.
Squeezed between old people with stale breath and teenagers with noxious BO—the kind of stench that warrants a parent discussion that it’s time to use deodorant—I held on to a germ-infested bar and closed my eyes to block out the “others.” The first two stops glided by, and I was starting to feel giddy at the prospect of getting uptown quickly, above ground. At the next stop, a man who thought he was cool but looked like he just stepped off the set of a Miami Vice remake, barged on. He wore a cheap suit and dark shades and immediately started to barrel towards the back of the bus. That’s when I heard the annoying commuter strike.
“What do you THINK YOU ARE DOING?” a woman’s voice raised above the rest in an impossible-to-take-seriously overdramatic voice (think of Meryl Streep’s rendition of Julia Childs.)
“You PUSHED me!” she continued her outrage. Then, “You should be ASHAMED of yourself.”
I couldn’t help but giggle, as the woman’s voice conjured thoughts of the funny British sketch comedy program “The Catherine Tate Show” and her character Derek Faye, who routinely and dramatically screams out, “How very dare you!” (If you haven’t seen it, check it out here).
“DRIVER…STOP THE BUS” the woman called out, at which point my fellow New Yorkers started to lose patience, murmuring ‘what the hell’ and shifting in their seats.
“Look lady, it’s a crowded bus, it’s called ‘Riding the Bus 101’ here, maybe if you’d moved over more, I wouldn’t have pushed you,” said Don Johnson.
A sound like an injured animal spread across the bus as people reached their heads up to see what the ruckus was all about. “So now you’re going to INSULT me in addition to ASSAULT me!”
“Give me a break!” “Shut up!” “Get over it!” were the responses from various riders. But the woman would not be deterred. She continued to scream at the driver to stop the bus, which he did. An overweight MTA officer waddled over and asked Don Johnson to “step aside,” while the complainer (I could now see her: 60s, dress suit that looked like my grandmother’s couch upholstery, a tight bun and bedazzled in gold jewelry) stood red faced and indignant as people shuffled off the bus, shooting daggers at her.
Don Johnson took one look at the officer, laughed, and ran away as the complainer screamed “STOP THAT MAN!” The fellow passengers were told that the bus was now a crime scene and had to wait for another bus. No express bus came, so I got on a local, which stopped on every street from the 50s to the 70s. To make a long story short, I would have arrived uptown faster walking.
So to the bedazzled annoyer in question: Beware. Should our paths cross the next time I take the express bus, I will personally boot ya butt off if you start up with your shenanigans. YOU should be ashamed of yourself for preventing a crapload of people from getting home after a long, hard work/school day. That’s right! How very dare you!
Abbreviations for those who aren’t “with the times”
OTT: Over The Top
BFF: Best Fartin Friend
GPS: Global Positioning System
BO: Smelly FN Body. Slap on some roll-on. Seriously.
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Ah, New York in springtime! The sounds, the smells, the attitude! I love how the commuters all join in. Here whenever I go off the rails on someone, it's just me, with a bunch of sour faces looking me up and down, or burying their heads in their Metro newspapers. These days I'm lucky if I even get a "tsk" of derision. I can't believe the bus became a CRIME SCENE!! It was just a whine scene, wasn't it?
ReplyDeleteBy the way, this morning I had a very quiet bus, as it was pouring rain when I left my flat and I figured that was the best time to go as everyone else would be waiting it out. I settled into a seat at the back and everyone was quiet and well-behaved. The man one seat away from me got off, and another took his place. This new guy smells like smoke, and has a dry smoker's cough and a nervous yet heavy foot-tapping thing that no eye rolling in his general direction would deter.
Telling myself "Just keep reading. The Kindle will save you. Take a deep breath. You're nearly there", I practically reined it all in when he decides to soothe his cough with a "caramelo". I believe that in this city all people over the age of fifty are obliged to carry bags of cough drops or other types of hard candy for throat-soothing purposes at all times, especially at the theater, the movies and on public transportation.
The wrapper of this particular "caramelo" was evidently made of that same sort of papery plastic they put in all babies' toys these days to purposely drive parents mad and attract babies to, one can only suppose, the sound of plastic shopping bags -- the very things parents are warned to keep them away from.
So stomper next to me is stomping and crinkling. It took him three stops to get the paper off the lozenge, which he then popped into his mouth. Phew, I thought. Silly me. He then crinkled it around between his thumb and forefinger for the duration of my ride (which, lucky for him, was only three more stops). At least he's not sucking on it loudly, I thought.
As if on cue -- and because what's good for the goose is good for the woman sitting opposite who suddenly realized that she too had a scratchy throat -- a woman about twenty years this guy's senior gets out her requisite bag of "caramelos" and opens one. Though pre-arthritic, she opens the wrapper much more deftly than mister black lungs next to me and pops the lozenge into her mouth. And then sucks. Loudly. Smack. Smack. And often. SMACK! SMACK! Smackity-smack! I think I even heard a whistle, and wondered if her dentures had fallen out. She was also immune to eye rolling and wide-eyed glares trying to convey "Are you KIDDING me?!"
I wonder if my indignance toward my fellow riders, however, has caused this tickling sensation in my throat...
(Amy et al, hope you don't mind I piggy-blogged again... woops.)
ReplyDeleteNot at'all. The reason I write these blog posts--aside from being incredibly self-absorbed, needing to be the center of attention and making everything in life about ME--is to stimulate conversation and read about other people's similar experiences. I mean, I'm routinely upstaged by ECOL's comments, so what's the big deal if you blogback on me! Your comment cracked me up. Oh, the crinkling!
ReplyDeleteMan you broke one of the cardinal rules of NYC commuting. No buses. Period. I mean HELLO haven't you seen the movie Speed? Or Speed 2? Now, some of you may be saying 'wait, Speed 2 takes place on a cruise' Ok maybe that’s how you interpreted it but obviously it’s a METAPHORE for a BUS. Plus it's still a REALLY good movie. Buses are too small and traffic is too bad. You will never have a good experience on a bus. Ever. NYC offers so many other forms of transportation that are less stressful. Subway (not the food chain), taxi, gondola(if you are going to one of the islands), foot, bike, long board, short board, trolley(if you were born 100 years ago), hover boards(if you’re born 100 years from now). I mean the list goes on. Just avoid the buses!
ReplyDeleteA CRIME SCENE????
ReplyDeleteAre you joking? I mean, somebody pushed an hysterical old woman in a bus and that's a crime??? What happens if it's the other way around: an old woman pushing somebody? Because if that's also a crime, I'm just thinking the metro of Barcelona would be like the Killing Fields, as all women in their 50s-60s going to El Corte Ingles (a department store in Barcelona) have the habit of pushing you off the metro cart when they reach their station (you have seen it).
So... do you know if CSI could capture Don Johnson???
@Josep: Yes, in Barcelona the Ol' Barrels would all be under house arrest for the atrocities they commit every day on the bus, metro and street as they sideswipe and mow over innocent pedestrians who happen to stumble onto their path and deter their quest to get to the rebaixas (sales).
ReplyDeleteI have a permanent bruise in the small of my back from the forearms of little old ladies shoving me out of their way in order to get on the bus, get off the bus, get to the antiques section at the flea market, and because they "just have a question" and need to cut the line of ten people waiting to ask a question.
ReplyDeleteit's only one question!
Delete:-D