Christmas and Caga Tió



Figure 1. Caga Tió

There are many things I miss about Barcelona—the food, the beach, the barrel-like grannies who sideswipe you for a seat on the metro. But apropos to this time of year, I miss one of the most fascinating Christmas traditions I’ve ever encountered: The Caga Tió (the Poop Log).

Instead of leaving cookies for a round, jolly Santa plopping down the chimney, some Catalan families place a log (traditionally near the fireplace, but it could be elsewhere), which gets “fed” little snacks starting on December 8 (Feast of the Immaculate Conception), until Christmas. In modern times, this shit log stands on four legs and has a little smiley face drawn on one end. (See Figure 1.) The Caga Tió is covered with a blanket to keep it warm. The reason it's fed is so it will later “poop out” presents.

On Christmas Eve, or Day, the family serenades the Poop Log, invoking it to drop a load (of gifts) while hitting it with a stick to move things along. The song has several variations, one of which goes as follows:

caga tió,
caga torró,
avellanes i mató,
si no cagues bé,
et daré un cop de bastó.
caga tió!

Translated from Catalan as:

Poop Log
Poop out torrone (a Christmas cake)
Hazelnuts and cottage cheese
If you don’t poop good
I’ll hit you with a stick
Poop log!



Figure 2. Caganer.

The Catalan fascination with feces doesn’t end here. In their intricate and detailed nativity scenes, there's one figurine that stands out from the rest: the Caganer, or town shitter. This figure has pants dropped and is in the process of defecation (See Figure 2).

For all of you who think I’m smoking hectic weed, or that I’m just obsessed with excrement—you’re partly right! I do love a good poop story. However in this case what I say is true, as confirmed by the gospel (Wikipedia). To purchase your own poop log or town shitter, click here.

And, I’ll end this little lesson in culture (and caca) with an old Catalan saying:

“Menja bé, caga fort i no tinguis por a la mort!" (Eat well, shit strong and don't be afraid of death!)

Merry Christmas (Bon Nadal) and Happy Holidays (Bones Festes) everyone!

Let the Cattle Call Commence

I was at the dentist this week when one of the assistants asked me about my plans for Thanksgiving. “Eating,” I said, already imaging the feast that I’d missed over the past 10 years while living overseas. Having divorced parents gives me two such spreads, and I was picturing the delectable meals when the girl said, “What about Black Friday?”

Suddenly visions of turkey and gravy morphed into 300 pound Walmart shoppers jockeying for position at the “starting line” at 4 am, a whistle blowing and a stampede beginning, a string of trampled casualties left underfoot (or underhoof).

“Who the hell would go shopping on Black Friday?” I asked, wrinkling my nose in disgust. “Like, who is so desperate that they have to wake up at 4 am, stand online with a bunch of loooosas and risk their life for a 20% discount at Toys "R" Us? I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less! Who does that? Seriously, who?”

“Um, I do,” the girl said, swiftly walking away. Crap. I felt like I'd just over complained to my waiter and was about to get my food spit on, in this case, my retainer tampered with to ruin my $4,000 smile.

“Oh, I guess it can be fun though!” I said, halfheartedly attempting to rectify the situation as she ignored me.

But seriously folks! Who does do that? Why do we let marketing and advertising and consumerism take over and convert us from human beings into savage beasts who will KILL other human beings just to get a few dollars off of shit we don’t need anyway? Do we really want to be part of that machine?

The answer is simple. Yes. We do. Cause we are all losas. But instead of buying a cattle prod and taking your chances out there, why not do what we do for every other aspect of our social lives nowadays? Do it virtually. We farm online, we chat online, we date online, we publish our every fartin move online – so this year, I will just Christmas shop online. Screw the masses.