Monday, February 8, 2010

Stealthy Stalkers

Stalker
1: to pursue quarry or prey stealthily
2: to pursue obsessively and to the point of harassment


The first time I was stalked, a construction-boot wearing lad liked my shoe selling abilities a tad too much, and after buying several pairs of boots from Sears—where I worked part time during high school—told me I looked like his dead girlfriend before lunging across the counter in an attempt to attack me. This jump started my career as a professional ‘stalkee’. But back then stalkers really had to toil! Not only did this poor fellow have to make multiple trips to the mall, spend gas getting there, dress and leave his house, but he also had shell out a few hundred bucks on waterproof Wolverines!

Man, these stalkers today—they have it way too easy. All they need to do is log on to Facebook or “Google” you. This allows for stalkage from afar, ergo nobody needs to know they're a victim. Unlike calling someone and leaving a message, or worse, hanging up when you know they have caller ID, nobody knows if you pore over their profile or lame gift registry.

And it’s not just creepy weirdos clad in boxers, searching for you from their home computer—it’s ex boyfriends/girlfriends, crushes, coworkers and the poor nerd in high school who never got up the nerve to say hello. And let’s face it—it’s you. Growing metaphorical “Facebook balls” has led to many a shocking friend request, uninvited e-mail and inappropriate chat session in these privacy-lacking times. The barriers have been broken, the playing field has been levelled, and anyone is fair game when there is a screen separating you.

I recently “broke up” with Facebook (I have long since erased all embarassing traces of having been on MySpace and Friendster) in a desperate attempt to recover my anonymity. But before doing so, I experienced the following phenomena:

*An old friend from college revealed that he was now a sadomasochist and asked if I wouldn’t mind walking on him in high heels, slapping him around, or spitting on him (or in his food).

*A guy who asked me to the high school prom (who I turned down because he was too short. Sorry!!) wrote to inform me, and I quote: ‘I’m married now. You snooze…you lose.’

*I mistakenly struck up a convo with a guy from my home town because I thought his MySpace site was cool, which culminated in him sending me a nude photo of himself complete with an amateur photoshopped gift box covering his privates, a la Saturday Night Live’s famous "Dick in a Box" skit (only not as a joke and before that sketch had ever even surfaced). The label on the gift box read: “Your Property”. Help!

*Several exes long since relegated to the closet o' skeletons, have resurfaced, as if spilling their woes, money issues and “I’m so bored with my wife” dramas would ever induce me to have another go.

And those are just a few (scarily enough, true) examples.

Remember when you used to be able to lose touch with people? Or break up with someone and revel in the fact that you never had to see them or their (bad clothes, unibrow, alcohol problem) again? Or pretend you were so much better looking than your ex’s new partner and that his or her life was a shambles since they left you? And cutting someone loose did not involve severing the seven degrees (or more) of Kevin Bacon as they are now Facebook friends with all of your friends or family members? Well, no more, my friends, no more. Personally I think I’d rather go back to the ‘stone age’ where my friends and I were not victims of this unrequited attention (and, hell, that we weren’t three steps away from having a restraining order slapped on us ourselves for obsessively tracking every move made by the ghosts of our pasts [and/or future]).

10 comments:

  1. Someone told me once that since the advent of internet (near-total) access, they missed the 'thrill of the chase', so to speak, that resulted from physically stalking someone; that cyber stalking just seemed so detached from it all and gave them 'no rush'(!). I should also mention that this person is an adrenaline junkie who will miss no opportunity to climb, ride, or jump-off-of something...

    I don't believe anyone is stalking me, cyber-or otherwise....I feel so very deprived.

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  2. Online stalking is an epidemic and we need to do something about it. I don't mean 'we' as in 'people in general'. I mean us. The couple of people who read this blog. Now, I'm just spit-ballin' here, but what say we begin an elite force where we hunt down potential stalkers. We don't have to kill them or anything, maybe just some mild torture. (tickling their feet with feathers?)
    They need to realize that stalking is unhealthy and, well, kinda pathetic. We could also suggest alternative activities. Instead of spending 6 hrs searching the farthest reaches of the internet's corners for the first boy or girl you ever grinded with, you could play wii fit. Because lets face it... if you have nothing better to do than stalk, you're probably slightly overweight. Who's with me?! Here here! Har har!

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  3. Let's face it...:"they" say we have evolved from early hunters/gatherers....it's in our DNA...but hunting and gathering used to involve some sort of activity that actually produced a useful product that was needed to sustain life....this new age hunting/gathering is a sad evolutionary by product gone terribly wrong!

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  4. Yeah that's true ma, I did a report on our early ancestors and through my studies I discovered that the females "gathered stuff".

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  5. You do covet stalkers though!

    By the way, I hope I'm not included in that list...

    I would happily go back to the days of facebook, twitter, mobile phones, online registration for EVERYTHING, call centres, central heating, brick houses, cars, jobs...yeah let's go all the way back. Even troglodites are too recent. I'm talking about amoebas.

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  6. And back to days before 'word verification'...where do they get those words anyway? 'grallat'??

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  7. While I hate to point out spelling errors, I must at least point out that certain people posting around here certainly have a history of stalking, virtual or otherwise, and some have spent countless hours encouraging this comment-writer to participate in such activities.
    I'm not on Facebook or Twitter, and sometimes I wonder how long I can hold out. Remember when people didn't have a credit card, and they held out as long as possible, but then it turned out they couldn't do anything without one (how can you book a flight, rent a car, get a credit check to rent a flat, etc.)?
    Another odd thing about Facebook friends is that not only have stalkers lost the will to stalk, but I know at least one die-hard grudge-holder who is now Facebook friends with at least one of her longtime grudgees, which I find incredibly disappointing and, well, dispiriting, really. This grudge-holder now holds a grudge against me, and so, seeing as I do not have a Facebook account, from time to time I log in on a friend's Facebook account and lurk about to see what other things can get me steamed. And don't say that's stalking, because it's not!

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  8. Baron, I'm enchanted by the word verification and am collecting them to write a short story with only those words. (c) JanaLia, 2010

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  9. Along these lines...I was seriously annoyed yesterday by the advent of a new feature on google called Buzz. Apparently it helps you network even more by allowing people to see shared items like photos, comments you make etc. The thing is, I don't WANT it. And when I opened the unwelcomed tab, I saw that six people were already following me with no request or permission from me -- one of whom is a major stalker who I want NOTHING to do with. After several hours wasting my time looking for how to block this person and switch the feature off, I finally figured it out - but today got a message that more people were following me. It is so wrong and creepy!!

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  10. I have stalked and I have been stalked. It is a part of my life that I can honestly say I do not want to go without. (and no Eric, I am not overweight and my feet are not ticklish.)
    The thrill of stalking is enormously diminished with the advent of the internet. Where as once I was forced to remain in the cafeteria until "cafeteria boyfriend" showed up, or make rounds on campus to find "rat boy" or "angry-strange attraction"...I now can just look them up on facebook and sure enough they are always there.
    Even gone are the days of searching for "PINK" Zitto in the giant phone book... finding him there, talking my bff into calling him and meeting up at brother jimmys that night! A rush you just cant find from someones profile picture.
    So the thrill is all gone...but it hasn't put a damper on my stalking desires. And unfortunately the same holds true for those who wish to stalk me.

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