People Annoy Me

As I age (at an ever-rapid pace), I notice that my tolerance for people is disappearing just as fast as my youth. Let’s be frank. People annoy the ever-living shit out of me. I’ve been told I get this antisocial trait from my father, and though I used to consider myself bubbly and outgoing, I find it increasingly more difficult to fake it when I hear and see idiocy unravelled all around me. Maybe it’s post-Valentine’s day annoyance that’s making me extra irritable (brings out the moron in people) or maybe it’s just another day in vexville…in any event, there’s a place I have to go every day where aggravating people convene in close, inescapable proximity: the Metro North train.

Last night coming home from Manhattan I sat in one of those cramped six seaters, with two rows facing each other. The only way to handle the heat, rank body odor and intrusive noises emanating from my fellow passengers was to push myself into the crook between my seat and the window and try to sleep. Amid the rustling of bags, cracking open of beer cans and subsequent guzzling (when did this become so popular?), stomach gurgling and cell phone calls, a shrill, shrewish voice rang out above all the rest. I opened my eyes in utter disgust and focused on the source of the noise, in the seat across from me.

Shrew: “Excuse me Sir (to the conductor), but why does the schedule say the first stop is Chappaqua if we’re stopped right now in White Plains?” (note: text does not do justice to the high-pitched, self-important, brash, nails-on-chalkboard voice. Wish had podcast to prove point).

Conductor: “Well we let people on here, but not off, so it’s not a real stop.”

Shrew: “But then the first stop is White Plains, not Chappaqua. What difference does it make if people get on or off? It takes the same amount of time. We are stopping, are we not?”

Conductor: (detectable sigh of annoyance, but trying to be nice) These trains are jam-packed as it is, we throw a few trains in with less stops to make it more comfortable for everyone.

Shrew: (waving her hands around and looking at the masses, as if trying to rile them) But that is faulty advertising! You’re misinforming people! Chappaqua is NOT the first stop.

Conductor: (first signs of ‘tude) I’m not misinforming anyone. It’s MTA. Take it up with them.

Shrew: Well, I will. It’s not right. I’m being misinformed. We all are!

Conductor: You’ll get to your stop at the time the schedule says. It’s not misinforming.

Shrew: This is ridiculous!

Me: (unable to hold back) Are you kidding me? How FAHreaking annoying can you be?

Businessman next to me: Seriously lady, shut the fu*k up!

Me: (giddy with sudden realization that the masses are now being moved by me) Jeesh! Some people have nothing better to do than complain. Get over it! This is what I have to wake up to?

Shrew: I’m a copyeditor. I pay attention to these things.

Me: So am I, you don’t see me complaining and waking people up!

Luckily at this point we did stop at Chappaqua and the bane of my existence stepped off, still complaining as she left. Me and the business guy had a chuckle as to how humans can be so irritating and then I closed my eyes in an attempt to ward off further annoyance.

And a few updates on former blog posts….

*I saw a man on the train this morning use the Kindle for something other than “finding keys” (see Earwig’s Delight: Key Books). Apparently it can also be used to pick up women. The man leaned over his chair, invading the space of the girl in front of him, who was reading her Kindle, and said in a husky voice: “Do you like your Kindle?” The girl, startled and somewhat disturbed, said yes and resumed reading. “Cause I like mine,” the man whispered seductively. Unfortunately for him, the Kindle did not pull through, as the girl turned to him and said “My husband doesn’t like it though, cause I buy even more books now.” Ouch!

*Last night the news showed Silent Bob of Clerks, Mall Rats etc. using Twitter to wage war on Southwest airlines for forcing him to buy two seats for his size (You tweet 'em into submission Bob!). The news then panned to many morbidly obese people outraged, claiming that people come in all shapes and sizes and the airline should accommodate. Have to say, sticking to my guns here on the entitlement issue (Fat is the New Thin). Yes airplane seats suck and could be made a little bigger for everyone, but by the same token if your ass is already on half of my unnecessarily small (but paid in full) seat, buy two seats please!