Monday, July 26, 2010

Crack Kills

Photo by rumblemumbles / Elisha, via Flickr

I know, I know. It’s been several weeks since my prolific meanderings about annoying people have graced the screen. I’d like to say that my lack of witty bloggage was due to some extravagant vacation in Dubai. But, alas, the cause of my absence was pure laziness. As in, when I get home from work and my two hour commute, my new leather reclining couch beckons my bum, and it’s all over. I guess what I needed to jumpstart the creative flow was a little crack.

Noooo, not that crack. Buttcracks. And plenty of them. All one need do is go to the closest park, in my case, Madison Park on 26th and Broadway, to see the abundance of behinds escaping the confines of people’s pants, skirts, shorts, etc, while they lounge on the grass eating their lunch, taking a nap or sunbathing. I guess the heat is bringing everyone—including the tops of their tushes—out of the woodwork. And while I suppose a little ‘plumber’ is innocent enough (although, can’t they feel the draft?) and having lived in a country where topless on the beach was not only acceptable, but the norm–and while I hate to be the typical nude-a-phobe American–I’m growing a little weary of seeing certain body parts around town.

Take said park for example. While some amount of muffin top and ass spillage is expected, why do some guys insist on stripping down to their Speedos (complete with not so discreet chub) while napping in the park? And since rampant obesity has leveled the playing field, men can now flaunt their sagging (bigger than mine!) breasts in the sun. But why is that OK when there’s all the hoopla about women exposing theirs a la Ms. Jackson?

That said, I suppose a park is somewhat like the beach where everything goes. But the train is not. I had to laugh the other day at a flier left on the train seats by MTA, which had an amusing “Courtesy Corner” section listing some tips from Mr. Manners, George Washington. (Primp not yourself in the sight of others nor gnaw your nails, for example). As I glanced across at the woman next to me, my mouth dropped in horror as I saw her remove a shoe and unleash her naked, mangled, bunioned foot, which she wriggled around in ecstasy before planting it on the seat in front of her. I thought she was just rude, but the following day, as I crossed four cars in search of a seat, I saw several other people with their bare, nasty feet stretched out across the seats, where I could have been sitting. This included a guy (bald with one single Rasta braid hanging down his back [wtf?]) in a business suit, who actually took off a pair of black dress socks before depositing his feet (and toe jam) onto the opposite seat.

If only George could see us now! He’d have to update his tips to include spread not your smelly, dirty feet where others may choose to sit, air not the crack of your butt in the presence of others, and flaunt not your manboobs in public parks.

15 comments:

  1. Ei, topless on the beach is norm, but now we have new rules here to stop guiris from walking around the city without t-shirt. A little bit of discipline is necessary... and a little bit of etiquette too. Specialy with ugly fat people!

    Welcome back!!!

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  2. I have a simple solution. Allow trains (and all forms of transportation really) to be topless. If people are allowed to let the skin around their supple breasts breath, they will be less inclined to unleash their hideous feet unto the seats before them. In addition, MTA ticket agents should be allowed to carry electric cattle prodders. This way they can taser any foot that is deemed 'not cute enough to be seen'. This goes for boobs as well, as to only encourage sexy ladies to take advantage of this new freedom. I truly believe this could help solve the issue at hand.

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  3. Ah, I knew we shouldn't have let the guy from that I Alone video out of his tree. We let him where a suit and play city guy for a while but enough is enough. I think I hear lightning crashing somewhere. Tool.

    Seriously though I'm totally flattered that you used my picture as an example of the rare person who CAN disrobe in public, much to the delight of those lucky and smart enough to have set the kids up with a hackey sack and wandered over to the grown up area behind the rock. (Keep practicing guys, you'll get it) I was working out for a while before that, obviously, but it was just a coincidence that I had my good baggy boxers on that day. Didn't even notice the camera. Ha! Anyway, this is the area of the park all the people who didn't get prodded go. Am I right, Ecol? Hahaha Yea! We'll call it the Spanish beach section. There's room for one more on this towel ladies. Let em breathe indeed. No bare feet though, seriously. Save it for the train.

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  4. ECOL, don't forget the menfolk! I mean, I don't want to sit on the metro opposite a couple of pink hairy nipples and two bushes of sweaty, stanky rasta hair growing out from armpits that have never had any kind of a relationship with soap, let alone deodorant. And WHAT is the deal with men not doing anything in the realm of foot-care? I mean, I'm not saying go get a pedicure, dudes, but you can at least clip those daggers you're calling toenails and make sure you clean 'em out after getting on point in the mud or climbing a tree or whatever was just done to make them so dirty.

    Meanwhile, I have to look into this new law here that Josep mentions. Isabel at work said that you aren't allowed to go around topless (men or women) or in bikini tops (not sure whether that applies to men) in the city, but, everyone breathe a sigh of relief, you can still actually go around full monty style. So don't worry about our tattoo-pantsed friend and his, er, little friend (and I use that term loosely... have you seen that guy?).. he's apparently still allowed to go balls-out in Barcelona.

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  5. Is that foto the androgynous sun worshiper? The baldness makes me think man, the boobs make me think woman...The combo makes me think, wtf?

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  6. That photo looks my high school cross country coach (minus the boobs). I think Eric hit the nail on the head with the topless transportation.

    Have you ever checked out the people of walmart website? Lots of crack there.

    http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

    PS, I havent commented on any blog postings lately due to severe laziness myself. I see the pop up notifying me of a new email, but the effort to click and read is just so overbearing. I usually just picture myself reading it and then 10 minutes later, I realize I was day dreaming and need to wipe my chin.

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  7. The only bare tushies I don't mind looking at every day are my two boys...which is lucky for me since they seem to prefer being in their birthday suits most of the time. As far as bare feet on public transportation goes though, I find this far more offensive than the occassional crack. It becomes a lude act when these heathens break out the nail clippers and start hacking away at their fungus infected toenails.

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  8. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNrQOUtXYOo

    Just to be clear about what I was referring to in my last comment, it was the guy on the train peeling off his black socks. Freaking gross.

    But while we're on it, what the hell is going on with this video? It is hilarious! These guys are SO deep. The way they're staring into the camera, I'll bet women across America were completely hypnotized, pulling off their panties every time it was played. And talk about no money for special effects. Um, guy, we can SEE your hands on your face. Doesn't work quite as well as the Black Hole Sun video. Best thing though - the drummer FORGOT his drum kit and has no idea what to do with himself. Ah, the 90´s.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiSkyEyBczU

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  9. @Josep-What part of discipline and etiquette is involved in calling people ugly and fat? And I happen to have learned from this very blog that guiri is a derogatory term for a foreigner. The very picture of decorum, indeed!

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  10. Nothing against fat ugly people... but you don't want to see them naked on the beach!

    http://photonexter.com/index.php?show=403

    As for the 'guiri' thing, in my opinion is only derogatory when used in reference to a foreigner doing sthg a local wouldn't do because it's 'inappropiate', stupid, etc, in that country/region. So it's normaly used in a derogatory sense when you are talking about a foreigner wearing a Mexican hat in the Catalan coast, when he is half-naked in the middle of Barcelona, when he wants to buy stupid bullfighting souvenirs, when he gets drunk everyday just because alcohol here is not as expensive as in northern europe, and when he is so stupid to fall asleep on the beach after getting drunk that night and his skin is so burned that he should better be in the hospital.

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  11. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guiri
    Guiri: A person that is traveling for recreational, leisure or business purposes in Spain. This applies to all foreigners (People that are not local to the area in question), from all countries, including Spanish people traveling to other areas of the Iberian Peninsula, Balearic Islands or Canary Islands.

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  12. @Anonymous and Josep: I live in the same place as Josep (well, in a cheaper, more crowded place, but in the general area), and I have never seen foreigners who live here -- and definitely never any tourists -- who dress in such a way as to make that no-nudity law about them. I have, however, seen Catalan men walking completely nude around the city and on the beach. I have also seen more than my share of Catalan teens wearing hardly any clothes in the street, or wearing underwear that shows their butt crack, or wearing their shirts tucked in to their bra to show off their new purchase from Policlinica Londres or their pants/trousers so low that you can see their religion -- and I don't think the Pope would approve!

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  13. OOOhhh Fight! Fight! Seriously though, while this is straying from the original topic at hand, I will just add something else in defence of "los guiris"--If they buy stupid big Mexican hats in Catalonia while on vacation, it's only because the tourist shops SELL them. So, who's the bigger moron? Why not attack the tourist shop owners and tell them to stop spreading the misconception and do away with bull fighting and flamenco dancing paraphanalia in Catalonia and while they're at it ditch the big Mexican hats! Catalans have a "manifestacion" (protest) for everything else, why not protest that?!

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  14. To help everybody understand the idea of 'guiri', let me add a few random images taken from google when you search for 'guiri' and chose 'images':

    http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSeXrLnyfsy6qtZNqlEYWOHdlaZwTlF-CRLluE20GMdneyJgfA&t=1&usg=___GfdnRpVWv_mtnJlonDt_1ZDV9M=

    http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSGKdRuYFniDbJDLwvURFSFKfOtBQ9WdSPNcAyxGXc1pf8dcgM&t=1&usg=__vAhZXLnNT_6DC5_po2i0Ye4kA6I=

    http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT-tU5yC_zCY2m-Sl45UthYcsTgtV6Hy4daA_Ub6C_X2FCDcbQ&t=1&usg=__vzuLKIiAqzhHriq6N6DO2U44fWw=

    http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTVBpHCe-rJ655M0OLe2mncB6hx2_zHv2LbBgiNMn_5jzgYDgs&t=1&usg=__aCeAK0r_7z66PwzV_EA33wEWhPg=

    http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTQzA9Ngcsv2iENnnXfoGd31iin8uMK0pKDcJSuuVm9Fxqp3sA&t=1&usg=__QnelTVjS9g_1DLkQTqgR3NApcLs=

    http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQxvqNN1_rFYvtUzEB-TUSxUl3P2gTvV3UvOVLfIFEkIf5uSgk&t=1&usg=__I9Xs7BQS1uyQWPELxKnLPLfZsXQ=

    http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTtRny1VL4VLmbaathU4_EJcbmndxrdQgQB6h8pQa9r-4arPS0&t=1&usg=__Ba4wmkAKXi3YML78jEF1TUfUCg4=

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  15. And now put the word "botellon" into Google images and you will see a model example from Spain (including all autonomous communities) on how to behave properly. As my dad says, if you look for it, you can find whatever you want to support your argument. Though I hardly think Google images holds up any side of a debate, and I also think the original comments have somehow got lost and skewed.

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