Admittedly I’m a poor excuse for a sports fanatic. I was kicked out of ballet class at age 5 because I made up my own routine during a recital that consisted of leaping across the stage while kicking my own butt. Other unfortunate displays of athletic ability followed throughout my childhood (picture a 5 ft 7 in 90 pound gangly dork with braces and a mullet swingin' and a missin' every ball that came her way!). As for watching sports, with the exception of a live baseball game or two, and a cool experience attending a live World Cup qualifier game in Scotland in 1998, I steer clear of viewing sports events on television because I find them boring.
But I watch the Super Bowl for several reasons: 1) to throw my diet to the wind and eat an obscene amount of comfort food washed down with nice beer; 2) to watch the commercials; 3) to see if the pre, opening, or half time acts are entertaining.
This year only number one satisfied my needs. The commercials were lame (except the strange Doritos commercial in which a guy licks Doritos remnants off someone’s finger and then off a pair of pants – disturbing yet fascinating). And as for the half time show, all I have to say is @Fergie: FYI, please don’t sing a Guns N’ Roses song again! Slash couldn’t save you and even looked mildly disturbed at you gyrating against him as he tried to play. I did a better rendition of Axl while doing karaoke three sheets to the wind at my 32nd birthday party!
Anyway, all of this got me thinking about Nipplegate: the infamous Janet Jackson boob horror (and the nip-shield she donned). That’s precisely what the ‘bowl was missing! Some boobage! Screw the subsequent outcry across America against the evil of all evils: the exposure of a woman’s body. F the innocent children who were forced to see the spine chilling boob in all of its glory (despite the fact that, as children, it was in their face feeding them for the first months of their lives). And yes, of course I know that a boob is far more dangerous than the abundance of guns and violence we have on television. When you think about it, boobs could, if left to their owner’s devices, rule the world. Call me Canadian (only about 50 complained about the 2004 half time show), but instead of a demure Christina Aguilera in a tacky dress suit and the Tronned up Black Eyed Peas, I say we listen to Justin Timberlake (the accomplice) and next year, Bring Boobies Back.
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Hmmm...a boob revolution...I could get on board with that. Ok, I thought about it. I'm in. First, we need boobs, LOTS of them. Second, we need to inspect them all to make sure they are of outstanding quality. Now, we have no time to deliberate, so I will take one for the team and head up the inspection process. My inspections will be based on the following criteria: Are they supple? A simple cupping/squeeze with hands should answer that. Are they resilient? A few pokes and flicks will suffice. Are the nipples perfectly concentric? My compass and protractor from grade school will tell me. Fire proof? Not sure if that's necessary. Taste...OK, well I don't need to get granular here with my testing techniques. Ladies, if you want to join the boob revolution please email me directly to get the process started. First come first serve.
ReplyDeleteAmy, the image of you kicking your own butt nearly had me spit tea all over my work computer.
ReplyDeleteI didn't catch the Supa Bowl, but I figured it was on because my Sunday night shows were bumped. But as I was reading the news* on Monday, I saw that Aguilera effed up the lyrics to the national anthem and Black Eyed Peas never turn down an appearance AND they sucked. Basically, it said the planners were trying to get hip after complaints that all the post-wardrobe malfunction bands were geezers but they didn't get that right and it was all dullsville.
I don't understand what all the hoopla is about seeing boobs on TV (isn't it referred to as "the boob tube," after all?). Like you said, what about all the killin'?
@Eric, mine actually meet all those criteria. I'm not sure if they're fireproof, but they do sorta burn, does that count? Also, sometimes on cold days I keep them under my armpits, or in a bag I wear around my waist just for the purpose.
*Yahoo's front door with the pictures that you can click on and read stories about the uhappiest cities in America of that they finally have solved the mystery of what baseball game Ferris, Cam and Sloane went to in "Ferris Bueller's Day off".
I did read the other day that the Super Bowl was the TV program with the highest audience in the world. Hard to believe to me, since only Americans watch football. Hard to believe since the rest of the world loves soccer.
ReplyDeleteBut I would probably believe it was it more about boobs than anything else...
While boobs are great, and I'm really happy for you Eric, I REALLY am, I'm going to post a non-boob related comment. I'm totally on board with you Amy, I only watch the Superbowl for those exact three reasons, in that order of relevance for me. The commercials didn't really do much for me this year, although I missed the Doritos one so I will check that out. Fergie dancing with Slash made me and American feel awkward, and she butchered the song. While The Black Eyed Peas are usually good at their theatrical performances, Fergie cannot sing live. Or at all really. I also did not understand why Usher showed up for an appearance. What intrigued me most about this Superbowl was the emergence of rappers supporting their teams through songs. First was Wiz Khalifa's "Black and Yellow" which came out before the Steelers made it to the Superbowl. Then, once it was discovered that they'd be battling the Green Bay Packers, Lil' Wayne made his own version called "Green and Yellow". While both have the annoying tendency to get stuck in my head, I have a preference for Lil' Wayne so even though he stole Wiz Khalifa's beat, his scratchy voice made it the more appealing of the two. It was also exciting to see my Facebook and Twitter feeds get filled with people thinking they are original by making their status "green" or "black" and yellow. We get it. It's a song. Finally, I wanted the Steelers to win, because let's face it, Wisconsin has street credit for their cheese. What does Pittsburg have? Exactly.
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