Question: have you ever been on the subway when some sort of unidentifiable substance prevents you from sitting on a highly coveted chair? And, more importantly, is it really bad that I secretly hope someone DOES sit in it?
Seats on the subway are a luxury, especially in New York City where the trains are always overcrowded. While I commonly complain about the Metro North on this blog, it is nothing next to the shitshow that is the subway. Any hopes of silence, decorum or manners are thrown to the wind when on this mode of transport. People eat full meals on the subway, listen to music without headphones hoping to serenade you with their hideous selection, and will fight tooth and nail—against pregnant ladies or old fogies—to scap up a seat. Just the other day I myself was guilty of stealing a seat from a preggo…well, sitting down faster than she could waddle…while feigning a “feeling like shit” face to compete.
So when one walks onto the subway and the aisle is parted like the red sea, with nobody standing in a certain vicinity and empty seats a plenty, you know something is amiss.
Like the other day, for instance, when an unidentifiable smear of brown material frosted the top of the plastic seat. The smell emitted from the substance gave a good indication as to what it consisted of. When I first got on the subway, I saw the empty seat and immediately walked towards it. Till I noticed that half of the car was empty. Kinda of like when one has to recover from an unreturned high-five, I nonchalantly did a 180 and walked away, positioning myself close enough to see if anyone else fell for it, but far enough to avoid the noxious odor.
The several people after me who almost fell into the trap provided much amusement, as I watched with anticipation, almost as if waiting for a soccer (football to my European readers) player to score a goal. One by one I watched their eyes light up as they move determinedly to the spot, only to back away in horror as they got closer.
Then came the victim. She was a young, pretty, Asian girl who was obviously too tired to care. She marched over to the spot, looked at it, shrugged and plopped down right on top of it. “Argghhh…” I heard myself moan out loud before alighting at my stop. Was it REALLY worth it?
Anyway, this got me thinking…would this not make for a great reality show? A candid camera of sorts? Or am I just seriously sick in the head?
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T'imagino esperant víctimes!! jajaja Quina mala llet! El metro pot treure el pitjor de nosaltres. Bon text! ptons
ReplyDeletePeople confound me man. So I work in Times Square, and my station stop; aside from being an exit point for thousands of commuters, also serves as a changing room for various Times Square costumed characters(elmo, mickey & miney mouse, etc). It comes as no surprise that this sort of environment may produce the occasional piece of extra trash...or a pile of human shit. Ok that part I get. I don't necessarily like it, or agree with it, but I get it. What I DON'T get, however, is how someone could be so oblivious as to step in it. A few months ago, I got off the train and was immediately hit with that familiar smell that you only ever want to smell in a bathroom. Shit. Human shit. I instantly stop. Check my surroundings. Scan the floor, walls, and ceiling for any signs of shit. Nothing. I proceed, but with caution. Like a detective or crime scene investigator I am on high alert, inspecting everything. It's somewhere, but where. As I make my ascent up the stairs, I see it. At the top of the landing smeared and stampeded almost beyond recognition. I side step the shit, emerge from underground unscathed and continue on to work. As I walk I wonder how the hell anyone can come to actually stepping in it. You can literally smell it from a mile away. The people who stepped in it deserved it. People are in such a rush, and for what? Live fast, but walk slow. Sheesh.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh ha ha ha! Amy! My LOL moments:
ReplyDelete1. Just the other day I myself was guilty of stealing a seat from a preggo…well, sitting down faster than she could waddle…while feigning a “feeling like shit” face to compete.
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I know this scenario well, and that face. I've pulled it myself. Sometimes I go to great lengths... head in hand, heavy-lidded eyes, obvious deep breathing as though in great pain or possibly on the verge of vomiting. I mean, why do you think I defy my tendency to motion sickness and sit backwards on the bus? So I won't have to see those old people who want my seat! I've often thought of buying a crutch just to carry on public transport(ation) so I can get a seat when I've just had a rough day or there are a lot of sweaty tourists standing with their arms up to clutch the bar. Do they make foldable crutches? Do I have to get one of those canes for the blind?
2. Kinda of like when one has to recover from an unreturned high-five, I nonchalantly did a 180 and walked away, positioning myself close enough to see if anyone else fell for it...
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Can totally see you doing that! Reminds me of a time when I was about 20 and went down one night to the Newport Beach boardwalk with some friends, and part of that night involved about a half hour watching a piece of gum someone had recently spat on the ground to see when some suckah would step in it. Lots of close calls "Oh! Oooh!!!!" etc.
@Eric: I've stepped in poop, I admit... pretty sure it was of the canine variety. But a friend of mine in San Francisco one unusually warm night in flip-flops stepped in something she thought was poop, reacted with the initial shock-denial of scrunching her eyes closed and thinking "That did NOT just happen" only to turn around and find it wasn't poop at all, but a dead rat that had very recently been run over.
@Jan - A few years ago in Spain I broke my foot falling off a chair. Yes, I was sitting in a chair all folded up all pretzel like with my foot under my leg, and I leaned back - forgetting that the chair was sideways with no back to support me, and fell. After declaring my foot broken in two places, the ER doctor said I should lie and tell people it was a glamorous skiing accident. Anyway, I digress - I used crutches for at least a month and was very happy that fellow commuters would reluctantly give up their seats for me. Only once did I have to battle a preggo as we argued about who deserved the handicap seat more (Me, obvi - I was injured, not voluntarily with child!). HAHA! Anyway it went so well for me that long after my foot had healed, I carried those crutches around to make sure I got a seat! Yes, I'm THAT evil.
ReplyDelete@Amy: Obvi a one-legger can't stand up on a badly driven bus as well as a pregger! Oh, and those crutches you used? Are they still here in storage somewhere I can get them??
ReplyDeleteYou managed to get a seat in the metro only because you were using crutches??? That's just because you didn't find any of those "Corte Ingles" women: fat spanish women in their fifties that enjoy taking the metro at rush hour when they go shopping, and they have no mercy to push you out of the metro if they have to go out and you are in their way.
ReplyDeleteYou know what I'm talking about...
@Josep. I know them! When I'm getting off the metro, if they try to get off before I'm finished deboarding, they get a codazo from me! And if they're not careful, a ninja turtle move right where they live!!!
ReplyDeleteI can't believed she looked at it, shrugged, and then sat in it! At least brush it off first so u only sit in the residue and not the whole squishy mess. When I was very young, my dad yelled at me to watch out for the dog poop that was directly in front of me. Confused by his warning I panicked and walked quicker thinking I was in imminent danger. Direct hit. I knew I stepped in something immediately so I decided to sit down in order to inspect the bottom of my shoe since something was obviously stuck to it. Another direct hit as I unknowingly sat in the already smeared pile coating my blue sweatpants with various shades of brown! Not very pleasant.
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