Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Notable Commuters: Weird Boots Guy

Fig. 1. Weird Boots
It’s been a while since I’ve just written a plain old observation. That, uh, is the name of the blog after all. And what better place to observe strange and fascinating creatures but within the MTA train system. As a creature of habit, I usually sit in the same train car every day. Unfortunately, so does a group of loud, obnoxious old men playing cards on what appears to be a pizza box. The first time I saw it, I was perplexed by how their group defied all unspoken rules of train etiquette. Whereas normally conversations or cell phone calls get you a look of death from other zombie commuters, these men shout, cheer and converse as if throwing back beers in a bar. Amid the noise of their gravelly smokers’ voices is the fluttery flipping of a deck of cards, conjuring images of leaves getting stuck in a bicycle spoke. Or similar. Not a card player myself (unless you count the drinking game “Asshole”), I have no idea what it is that has them so entranced. But I do hear them shouting things like “29? Is it 29? Whattawe got, 45 to 92?” What does it mean, readers? Anyone? Anyone?

This enigma aside, there is one passenger who gets on the train who cannot escape anyone’s attention. He is older, probably somewhere between, say 55 and 100. His tall, burly, Paul Bunyan physique is accented by a fluffy gray beard, a half smoked cigar hanging out of his mouth that he CHEWS all the way to the city, and—the icing on the cake—tall, knee-high funky black boots (see Fig. 1). The boots are what catch my attention every single day. If you only focused on them, you’d think (Punk Rocker? Goth? Motorcycle Mamma? Oktoberfest Partaker? Sadomasochist? Shit Shoveller?) until you look up and see that they are attached to Santa Claus with a bad cigar habit.

Weird Boots gets on the same car as me and immediately gravitates towards the card players like a fly to feces. He leans on the back of the six-seater they occupy and bends down, flagrantly invading their personal space. At first I thought he was part of the group—the silent observer, who, for lack of a seat, participates from above. But over the weeks, I’ve noticed he’s not. He is just a random guy, with weird boots, resting his cigar on the island pattern bald guy dealing the cards, watching every move they make like Big Brother watches all of us. When the train pulls in, he immediately exits without so much as a goodbye. The group in turn never greets his omnipresence with hello, goodbye, or what the feck are you looking at?!

Who is he readers? Only time will tell. For now I will continue to silently observe him as he silently observes them, while snapping secret photos of his boots (can I get a pair somewhere?) as I pretend to text my BFF in Spain.

9 comments:

  1. You have a mystery blog...tracking the mysterious bootman. Maybe he's a secret agent, maybe a billionaire? I used to see those card guys on the metro north. I think they acted like they were on the train in the old days...noisy and fun. Not today's quiet clone-like worker silence.

    ReplyDelete
  2. For a big guy he has little feet... You know what they say, little feet, little??? brain? How do you keep a straight face?

    ReplyDelete
  3. The card players are immortal spirits that travel through time and space in trains and metros playing cards wherever they go. The weirdo with the boots is the guy that first realized they were there. He is just trying to discover they magic game, but the spirits ignore him. Now he has an apprentice, though. A girl who used to live in Barcelona and now will start observing the card game participants, too. Tomorrow she is buying her new boots... and a cigar.

    Anyway, I take the bus now and there are no weirdos there... just annoying children. Basically, two of them. Their names are Alex and Oriol, and EVERYBODY in the bus knows their names, because their grandmother ask them to stop acting as assholes at least 20 times every day -in a 15 minutes ride!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Does he wear those boots every day? There has to be a reason! They are on the outside of his trousers.... Is he going fly fishing? Does he work with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the sewers of the city?

    How do the normally silent commuters react to the card players? Are they tsking and eye-rolling and shushing them all the time, or do they see them as a breath of fresh air? WHAT is that GAME they're playing, and can't you get in on it and become the next champion that-card-game player?

    Do kids still stick cards in their bicycle spokes? Do kids still ride bicycles? Are there bicycles in that Kinect video console? or Wii Bikes?

    @Josep: Even if I haven't finished my work for the day, I make sure I leave my work before 17h because if I leave one minute later, my bus is filled with shouting kids from the cole with their bollycaos and their overly tired parents who are just glad they're not the only ones who have to aguantar the devils they themselves have created for a few minutes of the day. Don't think I've had the pleasure of meeting Alex and Oriol yet, though!

    Amy, please work up the nerve to ask Weird Boots where he got them and/or get in on the card game. Send photos.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is quite perplexing. On the one hand you have what sounds like a hearty fellow with a generous physique, welcoming beard, and an even more welcoming unlit cigar. Sounds like someone you'd want to nuzzle up against on a cold and snowy evening, right? Then on the other hand(or foot), you have his high fashion female boots. Now, after a recent trip to a CSi exhibit at the discovery museum, I kind of proved my chops as an astute investigator. So I have the ability to notice details that most likely go unseen by average people, like you guys who read this blog. I thoroughly examined fig 1 and here are my findings: 1. The boots are black. 2. The boots go to his knees. 3. The boots have a side zipper running the full length of the boot. 4. There are exaggerated bow knots tied with the laces. 5. The way he is standing. This evidence points one conclusion. That this guy not only has a knack and passion for foot fashion, but he also uses his boots as a subliminal way to get laid. Here's how. He went with black. Most guys go with brown. He went with knee highs. And note, these arent rubber boots, so the knee high aspect is purely style, not functional. Now, everybody knows what you call knee high black leather boots, right? Fuck me boots. Thats right folks, these boots are an unabashed invitation for you to fuck him. He has perfectly tied knots, and i mean perfect, yet the boots come equipped with easy access zippers. And let me tell you, you will appreciate and admire his knotwork right before you unzip those boots and toss them over your shoulder. And finally, the stance. Look at that stance. Have you ever in your life seen a more seductive stance? He wants you looking at the boots. He is practically shoving them in your face. Because he knows, those boots have such a hypnotizing allure, that if you stare long enough, that you will fuck him.

    ReplyDelete
  6. OK Amy. Tomorrow you take another train. Nobody wants you to feel the attraction for the old guy with a beard and black boots. Probably he enjoys spending his summer days on the beach, wandering around the seaside wearing nothing but a speedo and his boots, and collecting stones and shells that he cautiously keeps in his speedo...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am more than slightly disturbed by Ecol's comments.
    Intrigued....but disturbed.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I may have to write a song about this one, either me or "The Subterranians" called the "Ballad of Weird Boots". I'll talk to Eric.

    ReplyDelete