I work on the 19th of 20 floors, and there are many offices and people in my building, with six inefficient elevators to cart us to our respective places of work. While some buildings generously program their elevators to stop on the lower floors on one side, and the upper levels on the other, ours does not. The result: sheer vexation when you get crammed into the small space with 10 other people and the elevator stops on floor 2. Really? You couldn’t walk up one flight of stairs?
These antiquated machines are also slow, and when I walk into the building there's always an enormous line of people waiting to get on. There are so many offenders, I don’t even know where to begin: The “I’m just going to ignore the line and waltz up to the front because I’m more important than you” rider, the “I have a double-barrel stroller with children big enough to walk” rider, the “there are already 15 people in here, three of whom are morbidly obese, but I am going to get in anyway and invade your personal space and/or breathe on you” rider, the “I’m the lazy mailman who will stop on every floor, making you use your entire lunch break on the elevator” rider, the “I’m going to pass noxious wind and you’ll never guess which of us it is” rider…and the list goes on.
Today I got on and practiced my mantra, while smiling (grimacing) at my fellow riders, and pressed floor 19. The elevator stopped at floor 2 while everyone sighed with undisguised angst as a young, able-bodied passenger got off (note: next time at least fake a limp). It proceeded to stop on every other floor while my blood pressure creeped up faster than the elevator ever would. Finally, when it stopped at 18 and I only had one more floor to go, I sighed in relief. Until it started to plummet down.
“WTF! NOOO!” I shouted to the bare walls. It stopped on 15. Two men walked in. “Up or down!” I barked rabidly. “Down,” they said. I exited the elevator huffing, puffing and swearing while one of the men said “looks like it’s not her day.” ARGHHH.
On floor 15 I waited 10 minutes for another "up" elevator to no avail. Finally I decided to go back down and start all over. The elevator stopped on floor 6. The doors remained closed. I began to sweat. And still no movement. Panic disorder activated, I was just about to push the emergency button and scream that I was two seconds away from a shit storm, when it began to descend. Back on floor 1, I realized it had now been 20 minutes since I'd arrived to work, and was still not in my office. The cycle repeated itself as the elevator once again stopped on floor 2 to let a lazy passenger out. This time I got off at number 20, the main lobby of my office, and walked down to 19.
I ask, readers, would you be able to maintain calm after this palaver? As I sat down, shaking and twitching, my coworkers started to complain about the fact that the elevator has now been programmed to not stop on my floor due to recent thefts. So now everyone has to go to the main reception area one floor up. Feeling an explosion brewing at the inhumanity of not having received any warning of this from "the man," I was just about to call the CEO (in other words, stew silently) when there in my inbox I saw a vague message about security updates. Sure enough, there was the info I'd chosen to ignore the day before. Guess this time, it was my bad.
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Amy! Glad to have you back! There is no way your recent good works with therapy and mantras could have prepared you for THAT. I, too, have a slow elevator at work. Don't hate me but I often take the elevator up to ... the first floor. But you know, in Spain "first" means the one three flights up. LOADS of people take the elevator DOWN from even lower. I NEVAH take the elevator down. I suppose it's hard for these people, because they need to conserve their lung capacity for the cigarette break they're about to have RIGHT OUTSIDE the building door, so the smoke wafts in, up the stairs, and into our office anyway. Then, later, they'll go to the gym. Hmph.
ReplyDeleteI digress. So today I got into the elevator and just as I pushed "1" (I can be forgiven because I'd been to the store and was carrying heavy shopping bags), I heard the building door close. This elevator's doors take forever to close, so I pushed myself up alongside the wall, and chanted "please close please close please close, come on comeoncomeon" because, as you know, the elevators here are so small there is a max capacity of four people, and that's pushing it. So even if there's one person you have to smell them and share their air, not to mention having to greet them and bid them adeu whenever you or they enter or exit the elevator. Doors closed, elevator started elevating, I was safe.
Course, then after work I missed the bus by what I calculated to be 15 seconds and then ran the risk of getting on the next one right at 5 p.m. -- post-school children with their parents, everyone screaming, bollycaos a-flying! But, alas, the gods or whatever were smiling on me, and I made it home unscathed.
Man, elevators sure do have their ups and downs... GET IT? UPS and DOWNS. I seriously don't know where I get this shit from. Just pure gold, all the time. For any readers who maybe missed that joke, it's in reference to an elevators uncanny ability to go both upwards, and downwards. I mean thats all they do.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, where I work, we have 6 elevators designated to the section of the building where my floor lay. There are 4 seperate banks altogether, since the building has I think like 100,000 floors. Our elevators are new, spacious, and speedy. They each have one 12 inch monitor that showcases the daily headlines, fun facts, celebrity tweets, and what's going on with Kim Kardashian. There is always a person on staff to press the floor you bark out. Towards the back of the elevator is a newsstand that sells the morning paper, as well as freshly brewed Stumptown coffee and an assortment of yummy baked goods. And for anyone who was running late there are a few shower heads and 1 urinal. All in all pretty good. Not the best, not the worst. I don't think I'd be able to deal with what you described. Your building should be condemned!
Glad to have you back in the blog!
ReplyDeleteEven when sthg annoying has to happen to take you back to the keyboard...
Anyway, I'll be a lot cheaper than your therapist and suggest you enjoy those situations as much as we do, and laugh at them. And in any case, it looks like an interesting place, where you can meet people and have a social life. Here in Barcelona buildings are way shorter than in NY, so your ride would take approximately 5 minutes if it stops in every floor...
In my case, I take it to get to my office in the 1st floor. But just like Jana said, 1st in barcelona is probably not the first, so in my case is the second floor. And a building with high ceilings! So I have an excuse...
And, what about my elevator? It's carpeted, made in mahogany wood and has a bench from one side to the other to sit while you reach your floor. And Eric, I'm serious with this. I'll try to post a photo!
Gee, remember when you couldn't wait to work in Manhattan?? I guess when you work in a city of 8 million people, you are bound to be up against a few now and again! I suggest you continue to let things annoy you, this way we get more blogs!
ReplyDeleteSounds like an episode of Lucy ;-)- or to bring it a little more up-to-date...Seinfeld.
ReplyDeleteCheers!
Marilyn
Not going to lie, back in college I took the elevator up one measly floor occasionally BUT only when no one was looking. And then I'd roll my eyes whenever anyone pulled that stunt on my elevator. Now at work I walk between two floors so my peers don't see me as THAT person. But usually whoever I am with suggests taking the elevators so I don't feel bad for that.
ReplyDelete