I was happily enjoying a day at Jones Beach on Saturday, laying in the sand, half under an umbrella, half out, listening to the crashing waves and letting each one lull me into a state of relaxation. And while the careless other beach goers shuffled sand into my face and on my towel as they walked by, annoying conversations wafted into my ear space, and too many kids were afoot, I didn’t let any of it get me down. And then, shit happened.
In other words, a seagull flying over head let one go. From where I lay, I could see it as if in slow motion: the Hershey squirt rolling around in the air and morphing into an abstract splash of art before it landed in a warm splat on my leg. NOOOOOOO, I cried. Not again.
According to the World of Feng Shui and other Web sites (yes, I googled bird poop, why me?), bird shit is supposed to be an omen of good luck:
“Many people believe [a bird shitting on you] to be a major sign of wealth coming from heaven. Hence, although, it is really yucky and a major inconvenience, when something like this happens to you, take comfort in the fact that this is described as good luck being just around the corner!”If this true, I ought to be really freaking lucky. Because this is not the first time I have been crop dusted by an avian bomb squad. No readers, I have been crapped on by birds in several countries, on two separate continents. Once, in my early 20s, it happened as I strolled around the river Seine in Paris. That time, my travelling companions told me I would be lucky in love. Harrumph.
Another time, it happened as I ate lunch at a café terrace in Barcelona. That time, my work colleagues told me to wash my hair quick to ward off cytomegalovirus.
So forgive me if, as I ran into the ocean on Saturday to rinse the fortuitous feces off of my person, I wasn’t feeling particularly comforted by this omen. Further reading suggested that this phenomenon is considered lucky because of the “what are the chances” aspect of being in the right place at the right time for the shit storm. I beg to differ. At Jones Beach, where masses of seagulls swoop around to steal scraps of people’s food, like a scene from the movie The Birds, I don’t think the chances of me being a prime target were so slim.
Looking at World of Feng Shui site, other good luck omens include the following: when you see a shooting star (yay!), when a butterfly flies into your home (cool!), when it rains and the sun is shining, producing a rainbow (oh my!). In fact, among the 18 omens listed, only one was seriously gross. Mine.
So stay tuned to see if I win the lottery, get my dream house, publish my first novel, or have Daniel Day Lewis tell me I’m the love of his life. Until then, I may take to walking the streets of New York City with a parasol.
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Did you see how smart are we people from Barcelona? Instead of thinking it gives you stupid good luck, we start talking about cytomegalovirus...
ReplyDeleteIn any case, I have to admit that we are probably worse... I'm not sure what feng shui does say about dog shit, but in Spain, if you step on a big dog shit, it's supposed to give you good luck. The biggest the shit, the more luck you will have!
I mean it could very well be that that particular bird was indeed a vessel of luck on a mission from God herself to deliver to you, via parcel of poop, unmitigated luck in some yet to be revealed fashion. Buuut considering the inferiority of a feeble minded seagull it's probably not going to be much. I would say maybe you'll win a 3 dollar scratch off or maybe buy something at Kholes and find out it was on sale, or much more of a sale than the original sale which persuaded you to buy that item in the first place. See my theory is the status and/or rarity of the shitter determines the volume or value of the luck. I knew a kid once who was shat on by an albino elephant and well he died which MAY not sound like good news to you BUT he was muslim so he had like 72 virgins waiting for him in heaven and that’s a MAJOR win.
ReplyDeleteI got "targeted" by a pigeon in NYC way back in 1970 and look at all the good luck I've had since then!! :)
ReplyDeleteOh, Amy, I am so lucky when it comes to this. My first memory was on a beach in Carmel with my mom and sibs. I'd just come out from my "last swim of the day" and was in the important process of drying off when I felt something splat all across my eleven-year-old back. "Mom, did a--?" "YES!" (wait, was she laughing?) So I ran back into the sea as you did these years later.
ReplyDeleteLater outside on a terrace having breakfast. Once just as I was stepping onto a bus in San Francisco, so upon arriving to meet my friend, I had to ask him to use a Kleenex to wipe shit out of my hair. Another time waiting for a bus in Barcelona. That was a good one as I was new here and it was raining, so as I saw the bus coming, of course I got ready folding down my umbrella, only to have the bus blow right by me. Who knew one had to hail a bus here!? Then, bird shit on sleeve of coat. I was already late for work, so I got a taxi thinking "Geez, I thought bird shit was supposed to be GOOD luck." And here I was lamenting my misfortune while also wiping off my coat with another Kleenex (never leave home without them), when, nearing my place of work, the taxi driver said, "Oh no I forgot to turn on the meter" and I only had to pay half what the fare would have been -- thanks, pigeon!!
I've also stepped in the so-called Barcelona good-luck dog feces of which Josep spoke. I think the locals just say that, though, so they don't have to bother cleaning up after their pooches! That day the only good luck was it had rained and there was a puddle to wash my shoe in. Though I do remember getting some cute pants at the mall too.
Here I tell visitors walking around "Remember to look up" so they see the beauty of the city in the taller buildings, lamps, and blue skies, etc. But I always follow that up with "But be sure to keep looking down so you don't step in shit." Also, I guess so a bird doesn't let one in your eye. Or you don't run into a pickpocket, but that's a whole different blog theme.
Maybe you have good luck and don't know it Amy.... I mean you have acquired a sixth loyal reader. That's not such a bad thing. I'm sorry you were shat upon though. We've all been there... either literally, or figuratively, or BOTH.
ReplyDeleteI feel your disgust and wondering why such "good luck" events have to happen. I guess it could be worse. At least you didn't go in to wash the shit off and get your arm bitten off by a shark. Yes, I've resorted to stupid platitudes of my own creation about how grateful you should be about being shit on. Pretty pathetic I know. But on the flipside, at least you have an audience to share your crazy events from your life. We all laugh with you, because you put things across in such a humorous way. Thanks for using your misfortune to brighten the crappy (no pun intended) days that some of us are going through.
I haven't had a bird crap on me and the love of my life walk through the door or the Brinks truck back up at my door. So maybe it will still happen for you. Who knows.... it might be waiting right around the corner. Just go looking for a pile of dog shit and see what happens. ;)
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