Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Thanks, But No Thanks

Lately I’ve started thinking that I’m going soft. My anger towards fellow commuters, children and humans in general just doesn’t seem to be up to snuff. At first I thought perhaps in my "old" age, I was starting to chill out and be “tolerant.” Then I pondered that maybe commuters are just getting better (boy was that wishful thinking). I began to panic: what the crap will I blog about if not my general distaste and angst with the world?

But just as I was trolling through the New York Times on the train for something to spark an observation—while reading about how sloths have an extra few vertebrae in their necks (wtf?)—annoyance struck. How could I even doubt it would?

I’d chosen the “three seater” because sometimes you get lucky and the seat between you and the other passenger remains free. I glanced over to see what I was dealing with. It was a bleached blond, middle age, rotund woman with furrowed eyebrows and a pair of chins pulling down the corners of her lips. I rolled my eyes and opened my Nook. She pulled out her traditional “book” and started reading. Every time a passenger around us spoke, moved, shuffled or tittered, my seatmate would tsk, shake her head and even get up to stare the person into submission. Apparently it was “reading time at the zoo” and she didn’t want to be interrupted.

I immediately put my phone on silent and turned down my music so that I wouldn’t get the stare down. The train was filling up, and just before we pulled out, a teenage girl hovered over me and asked if I could move in a seat.

Admittedly, I was annoyed. I even sighed in passive aggressive anger. But before I could consent and slide over or deny her, my angry seat partner opened a can of whupass.

“Are ya kiddin me? That’s just great. Haven’t heard that one befoa. Who the hell do ya think you are?” she said in a horrible Long Island accent. The teenager, clueless as they tend to be, blushed.

“What?” She asked timidly.

Chubs continued to shake her head uncontrollably. “You neva ask someone to slide in. She was hea first. That’s RUDE.”

“Um, why is it, like, rude? The train is packed.”

“Why is it rude?” (More twitching, make-up laden eyes opening wide) “Because it’s common knowledge that the middle seat is the worst seat on the train. And this girl…” (pointing to me) “…is too nice to say no, so she’s just gonna move ova and suffa.”

Half of me wanted to tell her to F off and mind her own fartin business, that I’m certainly not too nice, just too tired to care, while the other half of me reveled in the apparent discomfort of the poor teenage girl—teenagers having long been on my list of people I don’t like.

“Well what am I supposed to do? Stand?” the sulky teenager whined.

“No, YOU sit in the middle,” my defender said, leaning over into my personal space and using my legs as a boobrest.

By this time the girl was close to tears and I was tired of being silent. “Oh just sit down,” I said sliding over next to my aghast neighbor. “Jesus none of the seats are good anyway.” I sighed loudly a la Napoleon Dynamite, cranked up my iPod, and shut my eyes to block out the indignant look of the angry woman who'd tried to plead my case. So now not only am I going soft, but I am defending the very species (the annoying commuter) I abhor so much.

6 comments:

  1. "none of the seats are good anyway"???? that's just an excuse for being nice!!!

    you are getting soft... that's what happens when you live in NY, away form the tough life in barcelona...

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  2. Never fear, even if you were to go "soft" (GASP)there will always be a plethora of people, places, and things to annoy you!! :)

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  3. Who ever heard of asking someone to move into the middle! We have some tube trains with those 3-seaters too, and you would never do that! These damn teens...they just can't hack it in the middle seat! Lucky to get a seat at all! Back in my day there were no seats, just those dangly things to cling onto! (ok, that was a bit before my day). But still!!!
    (exclamation overload)

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  4. I dont think the middle seat is the worst, the outside seat is too short and the head rest only comes up to my shoulders, id rather be crammed in the middle and be able to rest my head than have the extra space in the aisle and use my neck muscles.

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  5. Amy, it's all about how you look at it. Not only are you NOT going soft, but just when someone reaches out to be nice, you turn on them. I mean, look, you were already annoyed at the woman next to you before you even sat down. Don't worry, my dear, you'll be just fine.

    I love these stories of New Yorkers living up to their worldwide reputation. Here I thought you all went soft after that one day in September nine years ago, everyone saying hello and asking tourists if they could help them (and then not even giving the tourists the wrong directions, let alone robbing them). It's good to know the attitude lives on.

    @Josep: Seriously, when was the last time Amy rode a commuter train in Barcelona? It was hardly the mean streets in Dos Rius (although, there were all those fatal motorcycle accidents on that treacherous rode you yourself sped up and down!).

    But, there is one thing we've got over the New Yorkers: I'm sure I can put any Spanish woman, between the ages of 16 and 96, up against any New Yorker you want, and the Spanish woman would win the tsk-ing contest. Plus, how many New Yorkers would dare to put their entire forearm square in the small of your back to shove you along in the bus until they've got the seat of their choice and you're left to rattle around in the aisle, being stared and huffed and tsk-ed at every time the bus turns a corner and you're thrown into the comfortably seated all around you?

    Speaking of which, lucky me, it's time for me to catch the bus to work. The best news is that all the buses' air conditioners are finally working now that the weather's turned cool and everyone's sneezing and coughing on each other (that's right -- we live on the edge... no mouth-covering pansies here!!).

    Hang in there, Amy. You'll make it through this tough time of self-doubt, I'm sure.

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  6. This post is hilarious!!! I was literally howling in the cafe I was having lunch in while reading it! I barely recovered from one fit of laughter before I was sent blissfully into another.

    "I was afraid I was becoming "tolerant""!

    reading time at the zoo"!

    "(she) said, leaning over into my personal space and using my legs as a boobrest"! HA!

    Love the perspective and the narrative. I'm totally connecting with the angst ridden young woman protagonist.

    Well done. Another fun, entertaining entry.

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