As if I didn’t have enough work—by day, an editor, by night, a freelance writer—yesterday I had another job thrust upon me by an old, bald, bespectacled man in Starbucks.
I was waiting near the bathroom, minding my own business, when he sauntered over and positioned himself behind me, wiggling around like a kid doing the peepee dance while nervously eyeing the short line at the cash register behind him. I could almost hear the gears turning in his head: Coffee or peepee…coffee or peepee.
“Excuse me, miss? I’m going to get a cup of coffee…so, if anyone comes, I’m in line behind you,” he said. I was instantly put on red alert (annoyance alert, that is), and thought of “quien es el ultimo,” the bewildering culture of line forming in Spain, which I recently blogged about.
“I’m just waiting for someone,” I said. “So I’m not really in line.” Baldy looked back at the coffee line and then at me. “You sure you don’t have to go?” he asked. I scrunched up my face, pretending to contemplate it. “Mmmmm, yeah, I’m pretty sure.”
Baldy hopped over to the coffee line, where he stayed for all of two seconds before hopping back to me, his squirming increasing (I was worried he may actually pee in his pants). “You sure you don’t have to go?” he asked again. I started to squirm myself. Did he know something I didn’t? Did I secretly have to go? Was this some sort of sign?
“No, I don’t have to go,” I said, firmly.
“Ok, so, here’s what I’d like you to do,” he said to my utter annoyance. Was this guy gonna ask me to fetch him a fartin coffee? “I’m gonna get a coffee, but if the person comes out of the bathroom, you’re gonna come tap my shoulder on line (imitates tapping motion in air in case I don't 'get it'). Before I could answer he reached back, fumbled with his pants and freed a wedgie. Even worse. A number 2 emergency.
Luckily at that moment, the bathroom became free and he jumped in before I had to do anything else for him. But it left me wondering…was he the undercover boss and CEO of freaking Starbucks? Was he just some big wig with a penchant for coffee and telling people what to do? Or simply a victim—a poor, old man asking for more than I was willing to give. I’ll leave it to you, Dear Reader, to decide.
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Life is never boring in NY!!!
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, that guy was weird... first, he did't know how to ask "quien es el último?", and we know that thanks to this blog, everybody knows it in NY. Second, what was his plan? Ask for a coffee and then go to the toilet? With the coffee??? Or maybe drinking it before going to the toilet... that looks dangerous to me, especially if he was in such an emergency...
Anyway, luckily, the bathroom became free and we saved our dear blogger from having to experience an even crazier story.
Don't get me started on the bathrooms in Starbucks. What kind of a place serves bajillions of coffees and then has ONE toilet for ALL its customers? And then, when you really ARE having a second-day-hangover emergency, they're "cleaning the bathrooms" and won't let you in until every last short-and-curly is swept up, even when you beg the guy to let you in because you are going to be sick, mainly due to the chai latte you really shouldn't have chugged down in the first place. Amy, it was your chance to show some EFFING HUMANITY in that city!!!! But at least the poor man made it in without having to walk down to Eataly and ask "Wherearethebathroomsplease?" to a dozen employees in the overly lit maze before finally finding some peace and starting the whole rotten cycle over again with the lure of overpriced bonbons cunningly placed near the exit.
ReplyDeleteJosep is right...if the bathroom hadn't freed up we'd have another blog at the ready. And just for kicks, how OLD was the "old man"..we talking 80 old? in which case I think you'd have some compassion, so I'm thinking 60 old? which really isn't that OLD. :)
ReplyDeleteMy immediate thought was the same. Why does he want to get a coffee first? I'd take care of business first, then go and enjoy my coffee. How long did wind up being in there? Maybe he was backed up and knew he'd be at least 20 minutes and could sit there sipping his coffee while playing sudoku on his phone and enjoying a nice beverage. I do that at work when I'm bored (minus the beverage of course cause that's disgusting)
ReplyDeletePerhaps this is his normal behavior. No matter where he is, he always has to make one very difficult decision. Bathroom or Buy? Buy...or bathroom? Seems like a common case of IBS, or Irritable Bowel Syndrome for the unfamiliar. Basically this means you poop 14 times a day, so naturally nature strikes wherever this poor soul is. In this case it was Starbucks. In other cases it could be a Wal-Mart or a fabric store. I'm sure many a time he took too long to decide and accidently unearthed a spewing geyser of crap with the untimely removal of a wedgie.
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