Monday, January 25, 2010

Back to Braces

Hi, my name is Amy M.C., I’m 33 years old and I am about to undergo orthodontic treatment…again. Why would I subject myself to something so unsightly and embarrassing at my age? Am I so vain (I probably think this song is about me)? Or am I just lame?

When I told my family I was getting braces again, my brother asked if I was going to go back to high school while I was at it. However, one need only look at Exibit A (the x-ray above) to see what has induced me to fill my mouth with metal at my age. Apparently, I am a vampire rabbit.

I first got braces when I was ten years old. A complete hypochondriac (I secretly hoped to break my leg so I could go to school with crutches. Why? Ask my therapist), I coveted braces like other girls my age coveted Dorothy’s red ruby slippers. I would unfold paperclips and pretend I had a retainer. When asked if I preferred clear or metal, I shouted “Metal!” with glee.

Five years, a night brace, rubber bands and constant teasing later, I was ready to take a chisel to my teeth and remove them myself. My eighth grade science teacher actually asked me why I would ever wear braces to begin with. According to him, only television personalities and models should bother—I was draining my parents’ bank account for nothing. I wonder how Mr. K. would have felt if his mother had asked him to “tuck in his teeth” before taking photos, or if being called Bugs Bunny on a regular basis wouldn’t have persuaded him to bite the bullet, despite not being a male model. And male model, he was certainly not (*shiver in disgust at sudden image of Mr. K naked*).

In fact, in one of my more traumatic memories, I was standing at the tether ball court watching a boy play at summer camp. I wasn’t annoying anyone, but apparently my huge gapped teeth were because he sneered and said “What are you lookin at bucktooth!” (Only one was buck?) Don’t feel bad, friends, payback came some six years later when the same boy, now a waiter, hit on me at a party he was working at and I had fun reminding him who I was before happily declining his offer).

So, I was ecstatic when, at age 14, the braces came off and I was suddenly a ravishing beauty complimented continuously for my sumptuous smile (kidding). But over the years, my irksome ivories have defiantly moved out of position, much to my distress. And yes, I am vain – why shouldn’t I be? If you spent your early insecure childhood with buck teeth and a mullet, you’d want to make the most of your “attractive” years too!

So that brings me to where I am today. Having gone to see an orthodontist, where I underwent a humiliating photo analysis, I have decided to take the plunge. I will spare you, and myself, the other photos taken during the session (The horror!) And despite the fact that the dentist told me I could surgically move my jaw forward or take some teeth out to push back my prominent overbite and really prevent me from looking like Eleanor Roosevelt, I am sticking to just a small, 6-month treatment to straighten these wayward fellas out, during which my friends, coworkers and loved ones shouldn’t be surprised or take it personally if I decline to smile.

11 comments:

  1. I can order you a pair of crutches, it might be cheaper! :)

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  2. why does it look like you have a wire in your jaw?

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  3. Good question anonymous. And wouldn't I like to know?! I guess I was focusing so hard on the protruding fangs that I didn't know I had a wire residing in my jaw!

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  4. OK - you should send me a photo of you with your new braces... but haven't you been thinking about for years? I remember I have already heard you saying you would need to use them again...

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  5. Um. Bill has tools in his shop that can file down those chicklets for you. That would save you money AND 6 months of the combined harassment you will receive from myself and daddy. Might be worth it?

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  6. I was very disappointed in your post. As an fervent fan of braces (perhaps known as 'suspenders' across the pond), and proud owner of over 50 pairs of all colours and styles, it was with a sharp intake of breath and quickened heartbeat that I eagerly clicked on your blog. Alas, my heart sank when I saw an x-ray of a funny-shaped skull, and read something about an unfortunate person's dental history.

    Braces (of the elasticated fabric variety) are both functional and fashionable, not to mention highly comic (witness the exploits of traditional British comedy duo of yesteryear, Cannon and Ball). They are so much more than means to hold up one's breeches. Sadly the world of braces is underappreciated and suffers from lack of publicity and distain by the so called 'fashionistas' of our day.

    Kindly write something about real braces next time, or avoid the term altogether, and don't get up the hopes of avid braces aficionados such as myself.

    YOurs,

    Barry Braces

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  7. Nice skull. Hardly noticed the lapine choppers...

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  8. ...or perhaps leporine incisors would be more accurate...

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  9. Amy! I just found out on the "news" that Princesa Letizia has got braces!!!! See http://celebrifi.com/gossip/Princess-Letizia-Gets-Clear-Braces-1555440.html (or do a Google search, I dunno). Maybe her teeth looked bigger after that nose job. By the time she's queen she'll look Barbie perfect! Esp if she continues to, you know, avoid food. Anyway, you're right on (royal) trend. Are yours clear, too? Good luck, princess!

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  10. oh well if Letizia has braces I feel much better! Jk. My orthodontist lured me with talk of barely noticeable clear braces. The tops are clear but the bottom are unsightly full blown metal. Apparently my 'prominent overbite' rests on my bottom teeth and would make the clears break easier on the bottom. I'll have to video skype you so you can get a look for yourself!!

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  11. You should put this one with the x-ray shot you get when the braces come off and use them for the photo on the back flap of your hardcovers above the 'about the author' blurb. Amy M.C. has been on the New York Times best seller list umpteen times, she has had careers as a lifeguard and medical writer and has gone from Count Hop-ula on the left to the stunning jawline on the right. She lives in Queens with her pet caterpillar, inchy.

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