Bit Fest

Workplace violence or bullying is a hot topic but why doesn’t anyone talk about being bit-slapped? The first time I experienced it several years ago, I thought it was just Sandy*, a coworker with a personality disorder that forced her to relinquish a string of boring and inane “tid-bits” to anyone with a pulse, regardless of their indifference. But now I see that every office has one (or multiple) “bitters**”—people who feel a divine calling to relate the trivial, random, excruciatingly boring (or excessively intimate) details of their lives to your horror and discomfort (while not caring about or listening to anything you have to say in return).

I’ve tried lowering my head and typing to send off signals that I am working, to no avail. Like a well-trained tracker, my ears perk up when I hear the tell-tale footsteps of a bitter in hot pursuit of a bittee, making me stoop to jumping up to use the bathroom or faking a phone call to avoid the avalanche. (As one bitter told me when he blatantly interrupted my hectic work day to tell me about his love life: “I know you’re busy but just thought you’d want the update.”)

Does this happen to anyone else? Or am I just too nice? Open? Welcoming? Is there a sign on my forehead reading: Bitters Come Forth and Bit Me?

I’ve written a list in order to classify the different types of tid-bits, which I hope will help me first understand, and then successfully avoid, the bitters in my life.

*Name changed to protect the bitter
**Not to be confused with cool, fun workmates who you enjoy having a “two-sided” conversation with.

Types of Tid-bits

1. The Quota Bit: Usually thrown out at random, regardless of the topic of conversation at hand, or in a frenzy at the end of lunch in order to ensure the daily tid-bit quota is fulfilled (see number 10).
2. G/B-Bit: Any tid-bit of or relating to a person’s girlfriend or boyfriend. Particularly irritating when said significant other has no name, but referred to as “my boyfriend said this, my girlfriend thinks that…”
3. Recycled Bit: Any tid-bit that has been heard before, recycled and used again for lack of new tid-bits. Sometimes slightly changed to disguise the reusage.
4. Floater Bit: A random and off topic tid-bit that is thrown out in a desperate attempt to interrupt normal flowing conversation and draw attention to the bitter. Usually results in bewildered silence from the bittees.
5. Rescue Bit: Not given by the bitter, but offered by another coworker to try to distract attention from the embarrassing Floater Bit.
6. Boomerang Bit: A tid-bit that just keeps coming back, even when the conversation has moved away from the original tid-bit.
7. Serial Bit: Any tid-bit that, like a soap opera, comes in daily installments.
8. Work Bits: tid-bits that relate to tales of woe in the workplace, heroic martyrdom in the face of impossible demands and huge workloads.
9. Bargain Bit: Any tid-bit relating to money, especially the saving of, or fear of spending too much of.
10. 4th of July Bits: The grand finale! Tid-bits that are given at a machine-gun-like pace after a weekend trip or similar event that generates a backlog of bits.
11. Bait Bit: designed to make the bittee take the bait and respond: "Oh really, why is that then?"
12. Bottom of the Barrel Bit: Makes you seriously wonder WHY the bitter felt that this was need to know information. Real life example: “My deodorant flaked all over me this morning.”