Monday, March 15, 2010

Chop You, Scott Conant!

Is anyone else getting tired of the “mean” judges on reality TV? Alright, I know, it’s reality TV, in and of itself a tiring but unfortunately inescapable part of life. Deconstructing all of its evils would be as useful as undertaking a literary criticism of Dan Brown or Ken Follet. Like anything the first time around, Simon Cowell’s brash, rude and painfully honest critiques on shows like American Idol used to be funny. Back in 2002. After all, people are morbidly fascinated with other people getting put down on national television—why else would Jerry Springer have become famous in the 90s?

Even over in Spain, where I lived for a decade, they have a version of Cowell on Operacion Triunfo, a sort of “Spanish Idol”. His name is Risto Mejide, called “Risto” as if Madonna or Cher. Always decked out in a leather jacket and big, designer, lightly tinted shades, his fights with the host and his tantrums on set are so pathetically planned and scripted that it's embarrassing to watch. He once told this poor, sweet, young (and pretty) girl that she had the most boring face he had ever seen. Is that really necessary? Simon Cowell is often funny because he hits the nail on the head with why a person's singing sucks…Risto is just a dick. Anyway I digress…back to America.

As we know, nowadays even quirky, random YouTube videos are eventually brought to the mainstream and beaten like a dead horse until there is nothing new or refreshing about anything, and Cowell, as with anything else, has become a product meant to be replicated…a string of pathetic, wannabe “bad ass” judges have followed in his wake. Enter Scott Conant.

Admittedly I only watched a recent episode of The Food Network’s Chopped for one reason: one of the chefs, Hannah Hopkins, is from Dish, my favorite local restaurant—a slice of funky Brooklyn in my one horse town. Everything from the mouth watering menu to the ever-changing local art adorning the walls, the dark mood lighting and the half price wine Wednesdays make Dish a divine dining pleasure. So when I read that Hannah would be on Chopped, I looked forward to her winning with ease.

The show, hosted by an apologetic Ted Allen, challenges four chefs (in this case Hannah, two cocky American men and one older French chef) to make a starter, main dish and dessert using a basket of random ingredients (a chicken liver, raspberries and asparagus, for example). With each round, the judges pick apart the dish, pointing out merits and mistakes, and remarking on how creative it is before axing one of the contestants. During round two on this particular episode, the chefs were charged with making a pasta dish with mackerel. This is where Scott Conant really became the raging a-hole he is. The chefs, racing against the clock to create the dish, all committed the deadly sin of undercooking their pasta.

Conant immediately began twitching in annoyance, as if having some kind of epileptic fit or allergic reaction. “Is this a joke?” he barked several times, muttering about how it “pissed him off.” He proceeded to humiliate and yell at the chefs, who stood with hanging heads and flushed faces as if in the principal’s office at school. When Chef Hannah was "chopped" in the second round, she left the show teary and defeated. My question is, why is this necessary? Are these chefs in boot camp with the U.S. Marines? Do the judges have a right to rip contestants to shreds and make them feel like complete shit just to feed their own bloated egos? As I angrily Googled Scott Conant later, I saw blogs and news feeds alike dedicated to his “cantankerous” rants. One was because a chef decided to include raw onions in his salad, something Conant apparently hates (the chefs not only have to throw together a meal with bizarre ingredients in limited time, but also have to read his mind as to his likes and dislikes). Another was because a chef had dared to serve string cheese and celery whole.

All I have to say is what a fah-reiking Divo. Anyway, I know today’s blog post is a personal one…not many of my (five) readers will have been to Dish or care about Conant’s treatment of one of my favorite chefs. But I'm sure you can commiserate on these cookie cutter judges that really need to get a hold of their rampant self-importance—or any such ego maniac (a few of my university professors were just as bad!). There is a difference between knowing your stuff and giving constructive criticism to push people and make them be better at what they do—and just being an annoying, bitchy, fartbag.

P.S. Despite my hatred for him, I plan to go to Scott Conant's restaurant on West 14th street, Scarpetta, to see if all of his hauteur is warranted and to make sure his pasta is fully cooked. If it is as good as the reviews say, maybe I’ll forgive him and become a flagrant hypocrite by raving about him in my next post.

12 comments:

  1. Update from Spain: Risto was fired from Operacion Triumfo after having an argument with the program host live on TV. It was not scripted at all...

    Back to America, or Spain, or anywhere in the world: I agree. There is absolutely no need to be cruel with somebody that is just trying to do it's best. On the other hand, who is this Scott Conant? a good chef? from the U.S.? Best chefs in the world are in Spain, and I'd like to see this Scott Conant's face after being chopped by Ferran Adria...

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  2. Can I really be the first to comment??

    You must have read my mind, cos I was thinking about doing a post on Masterchef! That's our reality tv cooking show. I have to say, what great telly! The 2 judges are pretentious and fussy, and there's the occasional cutting remark or put down, but they also give credit where credit's due. There's real tension when they're prodding at the fantastic looking gastronomic creations, lovingly prepared under pressure by the heart-breakingly passionate amateur chefs, and snarfing them down messily, frowning and twitching.

    I was just thinking how ungrateful they are! What a job, to taste those amazing dishes! I was salivating, and kept popping into the kitchen to forage. I was worried about how much I wanted to taste the meat dishes too...

    Anyway, thanks for another enjoyable, humorous post!

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  3. It's sad that the majority of the human race finds great pleasure out of other peoples misfortunes. Remember grape lady? Somebody sent me that video saying it was 'hilarious'. The poor woman is romping around in a barrel stomping grapes, a little too ambitious I suppose since she falls over the edge, lands on her face and screams for 5 minutes in agonizing pain. That to me is not so much funny as it is sad. I felt bad for her. Similarly, a few weeks ago I was bowling with my family. A lady 2 lanes over, while going in on her turn, slipped, fell backwards and smacked her head hard on the wooden floor. Again, I felt bad. It looked painful. I noticed a few people laughing. Too bad I didn't get it on tape, I could've sent it in to Americas Funniest Home Videos and probably would've won the 100 bucks.

    * In Jerry Springers defense, he actually offered his guests pretty decent advice and insight. It was just the shit show of 'where the eff do you find these people' guests that made that show so incredible to watch.

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  4. When American idol became a worldwide hit, all tv producers everywhere from every station wanted a piece of the pie, so to speak, so they all copied the same format, (if it works for idol it can work for us) SO get 3 judges, one pretty, one mean and one common joe....I am sure they tell "their" Simon Cowell...to be just like Simon Cowell...although none are as good at it, it seems to work...people continue to watch these shows.

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  5. Well, even though Hannah doesn't know how to cook pasta, I'd still like to eat at Dish sometime...

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  6. It's also sad that shitty reality shows continue to find ways to thrive while actual good quality shows fall by the wayside like Stella and Kyle XY. :<

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  7. The difference between Risto and Simon Cowell is that Simon sometimes laughs, often praises people, and often gives good advice. Risto was just. plain. mean. And he'd even keep his lips tight and he'd visibly shake when he spoke, like he was full of ire. He got his own show after he got the sack from OT, but I don't think that show lasted two weeks. Not sure, as can't bear to see the guy.

    Meanwhile, another strange thing is happening on Telecinco (home to Operacion Triunfo). They're airing "Mira Quien Baila" ["Look Who's Dancing"], which is like "Dancing with the Stars". The strange thing happening now is they've got a contestant on there who is awful. She's horrible. I mean, she literally cannot take two dance steps without messing up. The woman is a "celebrity" because she once had a relationship with a bullfighter and they have a child together. Her name is Belen Esteban, and those of you who don't know her must look her up. She's now famous because she does the talk show circuit and she's had tons of plastic surgeries and done tons of drugs, and her nose is really effed up and her face is haggard (she's only 36 years old).

    On this show I just cringe when it's her turn. She's extremely self-conscious and always pulling faces when she messes up the steps (which, as I said, is every two steps). The worst part is she's become a sort of media puppet, and so the audience cheers for her, but you feel like she's a joke, and I think she must feel it too. She's out of her element on this show. She's learned, from living life on talk shows and reality shows, that the only way to talk is to shout and argue. To be defensive and horrible. To talk about others by saying she never talks about anyone.

    And on MQB she's egged on by one judge in particular, Boris Izaguirre (famously gay, famously liked to drop trou on "Cronicas Marcianas"). All the judges put on kid gloves when it's time to give Belen her score. She trembles and cries and can't take the criticism without a microphone in her hand to rebuff what's being said. They go lightly on her, giving her 6s and 7s (and Boris with a 9!), while others who actually work and can dance barely graze by her score with their own.

    The whole thing is embarrassing, and if you watch you're not sure if you pity her or simply are disgusted. I think she made herself into what she is, but these shows have done a number on her as well.

    As I write this, I have the show on in the background, but the sound is off. I haven't been paying attention as I was on the phone and doing some work, but I'm pretty sure that tonight Belen was finally sent off the show due to having the lowest score. Either that or she's the audience favorite again and is therefore protected from being voted for/against.

    Sorry for the long comment, but this is another side to the mean judges -- the sad state of the contestants who are made in the image of the sad state of the audience (us?) who watch them. If you type her name (Belen Esteban) into Google you'll see some frightening photos of what's become over her over time. And go to YouTube and type in "Belen Esteban Mira Quien Baila" to see the "dancing" for yourself. Cringier than anything Ricky Gervais has come up with.

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  8. Now I feel bad for Scott Conant. I'm such a sucka.

    http://events.nytimes.com/2010/04/07/dining/reviews/07rest.html?nl=nyregion&emc=urb1

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  9. Yeah, Scott is a douche. I think Alex Guarnicelli left because of the rep she was getting. She seems really nice on any other show I see her on. Scott, on the other hand, seems destined to run the dickhead thing into the ground and disappear. I don't think there is another side to him.

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  10. Calling Scott Conant a douche nozzle is an insult to douche nozzles.

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  11. Conant is only one ship in an armada of raging douchebag chefs. Most of the time, they are echoing the treatment they received in the past from their mentors, customers, and negative published reviews. what is disheartening is that they are perpetuating the abuse and general assholery instead of trying to employ constructive criticism Even worse is the fact that such constructive advice rarely slakes the bloodlust of the average television viewer.

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