Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Fidget Fest

And March’s Most Annoying Metro North Commuter Award goes to…

Um, what? Not another annoying commuter post, you say? Oh yes, folks. You got a happy, feel good blog last week—filling my monthly quota. Saaarry. It’s angry blogger time (moohahahaha *holds pinky to mouth a la Dr. Evil*).

Now where was I? Oh yeah. Annoying commuter. So I’m sitting on the train minding my own business and trying to edit a dreadfully boring paper on business models, when “Fidget Woman” scrambles onto the train with an air of flustered self importance and dives into the seat next to me. She was all a flutter, trying to get herself “settled,” manically arranging and rearranging her several bags and zipping and unzipping her purse while simultaneously slurping the dregs of ice coffee from her plastic Starbucks cup, as if she was so busy and important that she had to multitask to sit down (even though she had an hour-long train trip ahead of her).

After finally achieving the appropriate balance for her pile o’ bags, she unzipped her purse and took out her cell phone. Aghast, I realized she had the key pad tones activated, and began to obsessively dial every contact in her phone while projecting a loud string of R2D2 beeps and chirps. After each call and subsequent irritating voicemail, she put her phone in her purse, zipped it, and took out a book, only to read maybe three lines and start the whole bewildering sequence again.

At one point, someone finally answered. The call went like this:

“Hi sweetheart? How are you my love?” (pause…)
“Wait…what? No…No…NO! Absolutely not. Why? Why do we have to? I just…NO. I can’t. I just can’t. I said No. Why can’t we do this tomorrow?” (pause…)
“Oh thank you. Thank you darling. Thank you so much for doing that.”

After this, she snapped her phone shut and returned to her book, where she must have ingested all of three words before unzipping her purse and grabbing her phone again.

“Really?” I finally said, turning to her. “You need the key pad tones blasting with each tap of your finger? You can’t just read your book? Why are you so fidgety? Read. Your. Book.”

OK, No, I didn’t say that. I just shook my head and tried to ignore her. And to put the literal icing on the cake, she then began to scratch her head profusely, a shower of powdered sugar scattering towards me and settling on my shoulders like freshly fallen snow.

Anyway there is a larger point to this rant. As in, why are people so fidgety? Are we so overstimulated by mixed and multimedia, the flickering lights of phones, computers and television sizzling our nerves, so that we can’t stand even one second of quiet solitude? A book doesn’t blink and beep enough so we get bored reading it? Man, I even know people who bring their phone into the bathroom to text (NOT me *cough*). Do all of these children really have ADD or is it just that they can’t sit still and focus unless being bombarded by the bright lights and loud noises of Call of Duty? In my opinion we all have freakin ADD! We can’t even sit on a train and read three lines from a book.

I suppose I should just carry a video ipod with me on the train. I could have put it on in front of Fidget Woman, and she, like a psychotic just given a shot of Haldol, would have settled into a quiet and zombie like state of submission.

8 comments:

  1. Wonder why you would call someone just to say, No I can't do it now...so then why bother to make the call in the first place? Why do people have to be on the phone 24/7? Give it a rest, people!

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  2. Whenst travelling I always make sure to have the following 2 items in my purse (what, guys can't be fashionable?). 1. My sony walkman with noise cancelling headphones, and 2. 50mg of elephant trank. Noise cancelling headphones are great. They truly eliminate all sounds from the outside world, giving you the highest quality music experience possible. This works wonders to block out commuters, babies, electronics, co-workers, girls you date, police officers, judges, you name it. I actually never take mine off. Unfortunately they do not do much in the peripheral cancellation department. That's what the trank is for. When an impossibly fidgity person sits next to me, it makes me anxious. So what better way to calm them, and myself down, is a nice, soothing shot of elephant trank. For both of us. Sure we wake up confused as hell, but also chill. Just what a fidgity person needs.

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  3. Is that available over the counter? Elephant Trank, OTC?

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  4. The people that are on the train come from a completely different planet. I was on the train the other day and it's always packed as usual. I had this woman stand in front of me who kept talking on her cell phone and her convo must have gotten reaaaally good because she spit so much saliva on my head that I thought someone showered me with a water bottle. I was in such disbelief and was completely speechless, but I gave her the nastiest look and all she said was "Oh, sorry" and smiled. I noticed that she only had 2 teeth, which is probably because someone punched the rest of them out when she spit on them on a previous occassion. Sorry isn't gonna wipe your saliva off of my head, but I kinda felt bad that she had no teeth.

    And Eric, now I know why you wear headphones everytime I walk by. Thanks!

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  5. Hey, this post reminds me of...hmm...what was it...oh yeah! My last post!
    That's ok. I enjoyed it. I won't persue legal action.

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  6. Baron should we really go there? I seem to remember fat rants and ear wigs after my posts!

    Anonymous, I thought dandruff was bad enough but spewing saliva!! Wow!!

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  7. Similar to how all parents think their child is the perfect angel yet there are so many, um, less-than-angelic children out there, I wonder how everyone who takes public transport(ation) complains about everyone else, yet they are never guilty of anything. I can wonder this, along with Amy, because I am also a perfect commuter who is constantly annoyed by those other ones. Course, I'm sure it's worse in NY than in BCN these days. Many people here do still sit perfectly still (some with their feet dangling!!!!!) and contemplate or read quietly. The ones who get to me are those who, rather than take advantage of technological advances such as noise-cancelling headphones, "share" their hideous musical selections with everyone via eardrum-bleed-inducing tinny cell-phone speakers. Also, I'm not hugely fond of buskers on the metro (with accordions!!!) or the scary prepubescent punks or the harmless but odorific drunks. I was obsessed one journey watching a fidgeter, although she was more mature and quiet about it. I started counting how many times between stops she did the circuit of touching her hair, looking at her nails, opening her bag, closing her bag, touching her pantleg, touching her hair, etc. I hope she'd remembered her meds that day cuz that coulda got a lot worse as the day progressed. And why do people wanna be on the phone on the bus or train anyway?? If anyone calls me when I'm commuting, I usually let it go to voicemail. There's nothing worse than shouting "I'm on the bus!" down your mobile phone.

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  8. I never hear my cell phone when somebody calls. Most of the time, I don't even know where is it. And I normaly fall asleep as soon as I get on the train.

    So I guess I was the perfect commuter.

    But now I drive to work and most of the time I'm worried about falling asleep, so I guess I should start talking the pills that woman is probably taking!

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