Warning: after a very “selfless*” blog last week all about my talented brother, let me take a moment to talk about me. Who are we kidding, it won’t be just a moment. This is going to be a virtual therapy session and long rant (minus the 125 bucks and not so subtle yawns, of course), so you may want to feel invested before you continue. The fact is, tomorrow is my birthday.** And I feel SO MOFO OLD (waaahhh).
But seriously. Why does aging suck so bad? And why does it creep up on you out of nowhere? Just last week I was ten, gangly, brace faced and sporting a mean mullet. OK, so I’m still brace faced. You see, that’s how desperate I am to return to my youth. And now suddenly I’m approaching my mid thirties and have nothing to show for it but gravity’s cruel joke.
So here’s a lil’ story that some people might find amusing (if public meltdowns are funny to you, that is). Several years ago when I hit the big 3-0 I had a mini breakdown at the mall, at the French-based face care product store Yves Rocher to be exact. After a long period of daily self-scrutiny, I discovered that the Barcelona sun had kick started my downward spiral into sprouting what people kindly refer to in Spain as lineas de expresion. Better known here in the States as “wrinkles.”
So, I took myself to the mall without a second to spare. I dashed into Yves Rocher and started grabbing every item I could find that said anti-wrinkles, leaving a trail of rejected products along the floor at my feet. In typical Spanish fashion, the women working in the store ignored me with barely disguised disdain. I was, after all, a guiri (derogatory word for foreigner). The more I was neglected, the more angry I became, until I finally approached a shopkeeper, a woman in her 50s, tubes of creams falling out of my arms and cried “Can you help me?” as if seeking treatment at the emergency room. The woman told me that her shift had just ended, and I’d have to wait for someone else. And then came “the meltdown.”
“I can’t wait for anyone else!” I screeched unbecomingly, throwing the creams into the attendant’s arms. “Which one will work? I have wrinkles and I need to stop them, now!”
The woman frowned and grabbed the products from me. Looking at the evil creams with her face scrunched up in disgust, she shook her head at me and said, “Pero, estas LOCA?” (embellished translation: But…are you FN CahRAZY?)
She then proceeded to reprimand me, told me I was clearly insane, that there wasn’t a wrinkle to be seen, and asked me if I was 17 years old, while I stood there hanging my head in shame. I left the store with mere sunscreen.
Well, that was four years ago. What will happen tomorrow? Will I terrorize the streets of New York, scouring stores for La Prairie creams and holding up spas at gunpoint? Should I go to the hairdresser and ask them to “cut and feather” my sides and let the back taper to a long point? Wow, bet my friends and coworkers didn’t know I was this psycho. FYI: I am.
But it’s society, man. Have you ever seen those trashy celebrity magazines that adorn all newsstands, where they actually circle wrinkles or blemishes on famous women’s faces and have a field day? We’re not supposed to let it affect us, but who isn’t somewhat disturbed by society’s demands on women? We’re supposed to be beautiful, flawless, skinny, and have a great personality and not complain about wrinkles to boot. All the while people say silly things like “men age like fine wine” (FYI: last summer I went to my 15 year high school reunion and discovered a secret: they don’t).
*Is it really selfless if I enjoy the praise I got for being such a nice big sister?
**Thinly veiled desperate call for happy birthday wishes.
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Amy, wait.. you're OVER thirty!? I thought you were like 26. Wow, you look GREAT! And while I'm at it: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (Feel better?)
ReplyDeleteHere's something: First, that woman "in her 50s" was probably more like 35, but because of overexposure to the Spanish sun and 20 years behind her of smoking a pack of black-tobacco cigarettes every day, she looked in her 50s. And sunscreen was the best thing you could have bought that day. The only person I know who is against sunscreen "because of all the chemicals" has, shall we say, a VERY expressive face.
Something else: The only person who's managed to turn back time so far is Cher, so every day you're at the best you'll ever be. So take five very deep breaths, blow out your candles, wish for inner peace and good health, wash a couple Xanax down with a bottle of cava and celebrate another year of life, such as it is.
Or something.
Ei, you told me the shopkeeper had been rude, but you didn't say anything about what YOU did!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd the "lineas de expresion", or wrinkles, are not the result of "Spanish sun". It's more like what happens if you keep frowning all day long. So the only thing you have to do to finish with your "wrinkles" is SMILE and enjoy your birthday!!!
Happy Birthday!!!
Ummm, YES, I do know you are THAT crazy. And the good part? I lerve you anyway.
ReplyDeleteEven though I like to remind you and everyone else around me that you will always be OLDER than me, it's come to the point where I too am starting to see the signs (of expression).
ie: I'll be joining you at Bloomingdale's with the gun tomorrow.
And now a tribute song from our youth:
I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. No ones gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong...
The song actually has a great lesson: that we look AWSOME in dim candlelight! Thanks Ace of Base!
Happy Berfday my BFF.
Happy b'day!
ReplyDeleteYou still look great, and have a full head of hair, be grateful!
Ay dios mio.
ReplyDeleteFirst, Happy Birthday! What cd do you want? Fine, 2 cds.
Second, what the heck is wrong with you???? Yes, getting old sucks. Big time. I hate the idea that I'm in my mid 20's. But, there is a silver lining to eeeeverything. Yours: Cougars are 'in'. I don't know if you should thank the Teri Hatchers or the Joan Rivers, but they have been bringin' sexy back to the older sect for some time now. Forget the annoying, vapid space cadets on shows like 'The Hills'. Mtv is probably developing 'Over the Hills' right now as we speak. Who was the sexiest female on Celebrity Apprentice? Ok well, it was one of the younger ones, but Cyndi Lauper was right up there in around 3rd or 4th. Hope is not lost for the aging female. Just pay more attention to what you eat so you dont get fat, wear sunscreen to protect your skin, and don't smoke. You'll be fine. Go audition for the Real Housewives of Mahopac and you'll have guys swooning for you in no time.
Side note: Some guys do age like fine wine... most guys age like a jug of Carlos Rossi.
Not to worry, kid, you have good genes...you are aging wonderfully...you must take after your...grandmother! HAPPY BIRTHDAY..xxx!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!! And if it makes you feel better, you look younger than Eric!(I thought he was in his mid-twenties)
ReplyDeleteENOUGH with the old comments. Seriously. Get a grip. Your not old. You have the majority of your life ahead of you, unless you plan on dying at 68.
ReplyDelete